The Producers (1967)
Gene Wilder: Leo Bloom
Photos
Quotes
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Leo Bloom : I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical. I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical.
[Max throws a glass of water on him]
Leo Bloom : I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical, and I'm wet!
[Max slaps him]
Leo Bloom : I'm in pain! And I'm wet! And I'm still hysterical!
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Leo Bloom : [Searching for the sure-fire flop] ... Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning; I don't know what I'm reading anymore!
Max Bialystock : Read, read! We've got to find the worst play ever written!
[reads]
Max Bialystock : Ah. 'Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach.'
[thinks]
Max Bialystock : It's too good.
Leo Bloom : [later] ... Wait a minute... wait a minute - I've read this play. I'm reading plays I read this morning! I can't go on! It's too much! Max, let's face it; we'll never find it!
Max Bialystock : [laughing] ... O-ho! We'll never find it, huh...?
[singing]
Max Bialystock : Rio, Rio by the sea-o, Bialystock and Leo, oh me-oh, oh my...
[holding a script]
Max Bialystock : Leo, smell it! See it? Touch it, touch it...
Leo Bloom : What is it?
Max Bialystock : What is it! We've struck gold. Not fool's gold, but real gold! The Mother Lode. The Mother of them all! Kiss it, kiss it!
[Leo does]
Leo Bloom : You found a flop?
Max Bialystock : A flop! That's putting it mildly. We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage! A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty. This is freedom from want forever. This is a house in the country. This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley. This is wine, women, and song... and women.
Leo Bloom : Let's see it.
[reading]
Leo Bloom : ... 'Springtime For Hitler: A Gay Romp With Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden.' Wow...!
Max Bialystock : Wow! It's practically a love-letter to Hitler!
Leo Bloom : This won't run an WEEK!
Max Bialystock : A week! Are you kidding? This has got to close on page four!
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Leo Bloom : Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock : They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
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Roger De Bris : Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom : [to Max] What pun?
Max Bialystock : Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
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Drunk : Eternally grateful... A TOAST!
Max Bialystock : A TOAST!
Leo Bloom : A TOAST... to what?
Drunk : To... to toast, I love toast.
Max Bialystock : To toast.
Leo Bloom : To toast.
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Leo Bloom : Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock : Assume away.
Leo Bloom : It's very easy. You raise more money than you need.
Max Bialystock : What do you mean?
Leo Bloom : Well, you did it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale.
Max Bialystock : What did I do?
Leo Bloom : You raised $2,000 more than you needed to produce your last play.
Max Bialystock : So? What did it get me? *I'm wearing a CARDBOARD BELT*!
Leo Bloom : Well, that's where you made your mistake: you didn't go all the way. You see, if you were a truly bold criminal, you could've raised a million.
Max Bialystock : But the play cost me only $60,000 to produce!
Leo Bloom : And how long did it run?
Max Bialystock : One night.
Leo Bloom : You see? You see what I'm trying to tell you? You could've raised a million dollars, put on your $60,000 flop, and kept the rest.
Max Bialystock : But what if the play was a hit?
Leo Bloom : Well, then you'd go to jail. See, once the play's a hit, you have to pay off all the backers, and with so many backers, there could never be enough profits to go around. Get it?
Max Bialystock : Uh-huh. A-ha! So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure-fire flop!
Leo Bloom : What scheme?
Max Bialystock : What scheme! YOUR scheme, you bloody little genius!
Leo Bloom : I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little academic accounting theory; it was just a thought.
Max Bialystock : Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts!
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Concierge : Who d'ya want?
Leo Bloom : I beg your pardon?
Concierge : Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock : We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge : Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock : Thank you...
Concierge : ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom : We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge : I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
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[Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme]
Leo Bloom : Oh my God!
Max Bialystock : You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!
Leo Bloom : ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
Max Bialystock : Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops!
Leo Bloom : Oops!
[slams the door]
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Max Bialystock : Here's to failure
Leo Bloom : ...To failure
Drunk : Why, thank you! You're very kind!
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Max Bialystock : Leo, how much percentage of a play can there be all together?
Leo Bloom : Max, you can only sell a hundred percent of anything.
Max Bialystock : And how much of 'Springtime for Hitler' have we sold?
Leo Bloom : Twenty-five thousand percent.
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Leo Bloom : I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.
Judge : Proceed.
Leo Bloom : Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.
Max Bialystock : [whispering angrily] Don't help me!
Leo Bloom : Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.
[the court applauds enthusiastically]
Judge : [banging] Order, order.
Max Bialystock : [standing] And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson. And we'll never do it again.
[cut to Max and Leo in prison]
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[Max Bialystock drops him to the floor]
Leo Bloom : Ooh, I fell on my keys!
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Max Bialystock : Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris : [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom : [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock : No kidding.
Roger De Bris : Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya : And we always win!
Roger De Bris : I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom : ...Where do you keep your wallet?
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Leo Bloom : My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket!
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Leo Bloom : [after a fight with Max] I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".
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Max Bialystock : Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway?
Leo Bloom : [is silent]
Max Bialystock : Well? Speak dummy! Speak!
Leo Bloom : [gapsing] ... can't... scared...
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Leo Bloom : There, there.
Franz Liebkind : [crying] Where, where?
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Leo Bloom : You're going to jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Pompeia!
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Ulla : Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom : Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla : Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom : Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
Max Bialystock : They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"
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Max Bialystock : So you're an accountant, huh?
Leo Bloom : Yes, I am.
Max Bialystock : Then account for yourself! You believe in God, you believe in gold; why are you looking up old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert, huh?
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Max Bialystock : You figure it out. I'm tired. I'm gonna take a little nap. Wake me if there's a fire.
Leo Bloom : Well, let's see. If we add these, we get ten, four... Hmm... Amazing. It's absolutely amazing. That under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit. Hmm... Yes, it's quite possible! If he were certain that the show would fail, a man could make a fortune!
Max Bialystock : Yes?
Leo Bloom : Yes what?
Max Bialystock : What you were saying, keep talking.
Leo Bloom : What was I saying?
Max Bialystock : You were saying that under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a *flop* than he could with a hit.
Leo Bloom : Yes, it's quite possible.
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Leo Bloom : But your honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, Whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I mean... This man... No one had ever called me Leo before. I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before- I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... This is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did.
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Leo Bloom : Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar.
Max Bialystock : They certainly do... they certainly do!
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Leo Bloom : Do you think he'll take the job?
Max Bialystock : ONLY if we ask him.
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Max Bialystock : Help me! Help me!
[kisses Leo's shoulder, tie, glasses, hand...]
Leo Bloom : I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it!
Max Bialystock : Thank you. I knew I could con ya.
Leo Bloom : It's all right - what?
Max Bialystock : Nothing, nothing. Do it, do it!
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Leo Bloom : According to the backers list, you raised $60,000, but the play that you produced only cost $58,000. That's $2,000 unaccounted for.
Max Bialystock : I went to a Turkish bath. Who cares? The play was a flop!
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Max Bialystock : How can a Producer make more money with a flop than he could with a hit?
Leo Bloom : Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.
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Leo Bloom : You don't understand.
Max Bialystock : No, Bloom, you don't understand! This is fate! This is destiny! This is kismet! There's no avoiding it.
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Leo Bloom : Well, Max, I don't know, Max. What do you think, Max?
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Max Bialystock : Don't let me influence you. It's your decision.
Leo Bloom : But if we get caught, we'll go to prison.
Max Bialystock : You think you're not in prison now? Living in a grey, little room? Going to a grey, little job? Leading a grey, little life?
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Max Bialystock : [to a cab driver] The Blue Gypsy.
Leo Bloom : Why are we going to The Blue Gypsy?
Max Bialystock : WE are not going to The Blue Gypsy. *I* am going to The Blue Gypsy.
