Bedazzled (1967)

Peter Cook: George Spiggott

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Spiggott : Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that.

  Stanley Moon : Including what?

  George Spiggott : That everything I've ever told has been a lie. That's not true.

  Stanley Moon : I don't know WHAT to believe.

  George Spiggott : Not me, Stanley, believe me!

• George Spiggott : I've lost me spark. There was a time when I used to get lots of ideas. I was creative, original. I thought up the seven deadly sins in one afternoon. The only thing I've come up with recently is advertising.

• Stanley Moon : You're a nutcase! You're a bleedin' nutcase!

  George Spiggott : They said the same of Jesus Christ, Freud, and Galileo.

  Stanley Moon : They said it of a lot of nutcases too.

  George Spiggott : You're not as stupid as you look, are you, Mr. Moon?

• George Spiggott : You fill me with inertia.

• George Spiggott : Let me tell you something, Stanley. As far as sex is concerned, patience is a virtue.

  Stanley Moon : I wanted her so much I just couldn't wait.

  George Spiggott : Let me give you a tip. Come here. In the words of Marcel Proust - and this applies to any woman in the world - if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage - no matter how stupid it is - that they're coming out with till 10 minutes past 4:00 in the morning, you're in.

  Stanley Moon : Ten minutes past 4:00 in the morning, and you're there?

  George Spiggott : It never fails.

• George Spiggott : You realize that suicide's a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it.

• [last lines] 

  George Spiggott : [to God]  All right, you great git, you've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I'll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic bangs. I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even you'll be ashamed of yourself! No wonder you've so few friends; you're unbelievable!

  [God laughs] 

• George Spiggott : [having gotten Stanley's attention by mentioning a million pounds]  Your great-great-great grandfather, Ephraim Moon, sailed to Australia in 1782 on a ship of the Line. Set himself up as an apothecary. The business flourished, and by the time he died it was worth something in the region of 2,000 pounds - a large amount in those days.

  Stanley Moon : Yes...

  George Spiggott : Your great-great-grandfather, Cedric Moon, by skillful management and careful husbandry, increased that sum a hundredfold. This in turn was inherited by your great-grandfather, Desmond Moon, who expanded, diversified, and built up a personal fortune of well over a million pounds!

  Stanley Moon : Oh!... it's a lot of money!

  George Spiggott : A great deal of money, Mister Moon! And this gigantic sum was inherited by your grandfather, Hubert Moon, who returned to London and frittered it away on wine, women, and loose living.

  Stanley Moon : ...ermh... where does that leave me, then?

  George Spiggott : Penniless, and on the brink of suicide!

  [giggles] 

• Stanley Moon : [regarding his contract]  Shouldn't I sign it in blood?

  George Spiggott : Blimey, you are a traditionalist.

• George Spiggott : It's the standard contract. Gives you seven wishes in accordance with the mystic rules of life. Seven Days of the Week, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Seas, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers...

• George Spiggott : Good evening. I couldn't help noticing that you were making an unsuccessful suicide bid.

• George Spiggott : You're not wearing nylon underwear, are you? It disintegrates at high speeds.

• George Spiggott : This is the club room. Quite nicely decorated and painted - early Hitler.

• George Spiggott : You see, a soul's rather like your appendix: totally expendable.

• George Spiggott : Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony.

• George Spiggott : And the magic word: Julie Andrews!

• Stanley Moon : Here, my ice lolly's melted. You really must be the Devil.

  George Spiggott : Incarnate. How d'you do?

• Stanley Moon : I thought you were called Lucifer.

  George Spiggott : I know. "The Bringer of the Light" it used to be. Sounded a bit poofy to me.

• Stanley Moon : Apart from the way He moves, what's God really like? I mean, what colour is He?

  George Spiggott : He's all colours of the rainbow, many-hued.

  Stanley Moon : But He is English, isn't He?

  George Spiggott : Oh yes. Very upper class. Course his Son had a lot of problems, having such a famous father.

• George Spiggott : Fornication is such a puny sin. If Margaret had come in and told you she'd murdered the gardener, you would forgiven her, shielded her from the police. Just because she wants to have some harmless fun with some young man, you want to strangle her.

• George Spiggott : What terrible sins I have working for me. I suppose it's the wages.

• George Spiggott : Don't let me interfere with your doing away with yourself.

• George Spiggott : I'm the Horned One. The Devil. Let me give you my card.

• [Searching for change] 

  George Spiggott : Oh, um, have you got sixpence? I've only got a million-pound note.

• George Spiggott : All we need to do now, then, is get it witnessed. Sloth would be best. He's a lawyer.

• George Spiggott : Now, then, what'd you like to be first? Prime Minister? Oh, no, I've made that deal already.

• George Spiggott : You're quite safe. It's only a 300-foot drop.

• George Spiggott : The garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there.

• George Spiggott : [to Lust]  Pick your clothes up. You're due down at the Foreign Office.

• George Spiggott : Just putting a tiny little ventilation hole in this oil tanker.

• George Spiggott : Most of the saints throughout history have been a pain in the neck.

• George Spiggott : Tell God not to go away. I'll be back in a minute.

• George Spiggott : [cutting into a telephone line]  Mrs. Fitch?

  Mrs. Fitch : Speaking.

  George Spiggott : Abercrombie here. I work with your husband.

  Mrs. Fitch : Oh, yes.

  George Spiggott : I thought you'd like to know that he's just checked into the Cheeseborough Hotel Brighton with his secretary Fiona. Good-bye.

• George Spiggott : We've been hit very badly by this peace scare.

• George Spiggott : [to God]  I've done a good deed. I gave that little twit his soul back. Wasn't that generous?

• George Spiggott : Very well, Mister Moon! In order to prove that I am indeed the Unholy One, a Frobisher & Gleason raspberry-flavored ice lolly shall be yours - in a trice!

• Stanley Moon : If it hadn't been for you, we'd still be blissfully wandering about naked in paradise.

  George Spiggott : You're welcome, mate. The Garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there.

  Stanley Moon : Adam and Eve were happy enough.

  George Spiggott : I'll tell you why: they were pig ignorant.

• George Spiggott : I've got last-minute repentance to contend with.

  Stanley Moon : That doesn't sound too much of a threat.

  George Spiggott : Not much of a threat? Do you realize I can spend 50 or 60 years working on a client making him vain, greedy, lustful, slothful, the lot and then just when he's breathing his last, he goes and bloody repents? I lost Mussolini that way.

  Stanley Moon : Really?

  George Spiggott : At the moment they're putting the noose around his neck, he says, "Scusi. Mille regrette." Up he goes.

• George Spiggott : But suicide, Mr. Moon... Really, really, really. That's the last thing you should do. Don't you think it's taking the easy way out?

  Stanley Moon : Huh! Easy way out? What's easy about it? Look, the bleeding pipe's broken! Can't even manage to kill myself!

• George Spiggott : Like you collect moths, I collect souls. I'd like to add your's to my collection.

• Stanley Moon : You're an angel, George.

  George Spiggott : Here's hoping.

• Stanley Moon : Who was that?

  George Spiggott : Didn't she introduce herself? That's Lilian Lust, the babe with the bust.

• George Spiggott : You remember your great-great-great-grandfather?

  Stanley Moon : Well, I never even met my father.

• George Spiggott : God keeps changing his name too, you know. He used to be called the Word.

  Stanley Moon : Yeah."ln the beginning was the Word."

  George Spiggott : "And the Word was God."

  Stanley Moon : Was there just a word hanging about in space then?

  George Spiggott : I suppose so. I wasn't there.

  Stanley Moon : What's it mean,"the Word"?

  George Spiggott : What does "Stanley Moon" mean?

• George Spiggott : I wasn't joking. I could give you that and more. Everything you've ever seen in the advertisements: fast, white convertibles, blonde women, their hair trailing in the wind, wafer-thin after-dinner chocolates. If you had all that, would you be any happier?

  Stanley Moon : What are you on about?

  George Spiggott : Would the words Prince of Darkness mean anything to you? Beelzebub? Mephistopheles? The horned one?

• George Spiggott : Wake up, you lazy, legal layabout! Get up! Wake up!

• George Spiggott : All we need do now, then, is get it witnessed. Sloth would be best. He's a lawyer. Come on now, Sloth! Wake up, you idle, great slob!

  Stanley Moon : Here, are all your staff like this?

  George Spiggott : That's the trouble. I can't get any decent help these days. God's laughing, of course. All he has to do is raise his little finger, he's got a thousand sycophantic, prissy angels at his beck and call. I'm lumbered with Anger and Sloth.

• Stanley Moon : What are you doing?

  George Spiggott : Just a bit of routine mischief.

• Stanley Moon : Are you trying to tell me you want that pigeon to do his doo-dahs on that man's head?

  George Spiggott : That's right. All right, birdie, remember what I said. Target in range. All systems - go!

  [releases the pigeon] 

  George Spiggott : Release your doo-dahs!

  Stanley Moon : What a pathetic thing to do. If you're the devil, why didn't you go for that vicar down there?

  George Spiggott : Oh, no. He's one of ours.

• George Spiggott : Have you ever thought of making Margaret into a charitable institution?

  Stanley Moon : What a cracking wheeze! Yes, and then I could get a depreciation allowance on her.

  George Spiggott : Exactly. I think the revenue boys would buy that one.

  Stanley Moon : Yes.

  George Spiggott : You could probably get her clothes taken off as well.

  Stanley Moon : Yes, I'm sure they'd be deductible.

  George Spiggott : Properly handled, I think she could be a wonderful little asset.

• George Spiggott : Come on, my darling. Out you go, and do something really nasty!

• George Spiggott : Sex is a terribly thorny subject, isn't it?

  Stanley Moon : Tsk-tsk-tsk. Terribly thorny. Very thorny subject.

• George Spiggott : I'll make her very physical, indeed, for you, Stanley. Stiffen yourself. The magic words: Jackie Kennedy!

• Margaret Spencer : We're playing croquet. Why don't you and Peter go away and discuss your affairs?

  Stanley Moon : True enough. I suppose we ought to tie up this Venezuelan business.

  George Spiggott : Yes. Lord Dowdy, I wonder if you'd be so kind as to take over my blue ball and double up with Daphne.

• George Spiggott : Wasn't she physical enough?

  Stanley Moon : She was physical, all right. She was too physical. She was physical all over the place, except with me.

• George Spiggott : I'll tell you what people go mad for these days. That's your pop stars. I can just see you, Stanley, standing there in your skintight pants, the music pounding, the women screaming, Margaret laughing, the drums throbbing out with their incessant animal beat!

  Stanley Moon : Let me have it!

  George Spiggott : Julie Andrews!

• Stanley Moon : What have you got to be depressed about? I mean, look on the bright side. Think of all your successes. Sodom and Gomorrah.

  George Spiggott : Short-lived, Stanley. Short-lived. Besides, as soon as I get a really swinging scene going, He butts in with his fire and brimstone. He's a very destructive, unpredictable person.

• George Spiggott : Excuse me, Your Ineffable Hugeness. I wonder if you'd be gracious enough to step outside for a moment while we miserable worms get our drawers on.

• George Spiggott : Good afternoon, madam. We're the Froony Green Eyewash men. Have you, by any chance, got 10 bottles of Froony Green Eyewash in your house?

  Mrs. Wisby : Oh, no. I'm afraid I haven't.

  George Spiggott : Oh, what a pity, 'cause if you had and could answer a simple question you'd have won a beautiful silver tea service and a night on the town with Alfred Hitchcock.

• George Spiggott : What happened?

  Stanley Moon : What happened. It finished before it started. That's what happened!

  George Spiggott : They're like that these days, your pop fans, aren't they? Very fickle.

• George Spiggott : Come on, Stanley. Stick one in Jane Russell and win a goldfish.

• George Spiggott : Just take a look at the world. It's never been in such a mess. I've done a wonderful job. People are killing each other, lusting after each other's wives, worshipping false idols. I've done a marvelous job. It's never been so sinful, miserable and perverted.

• Emcee : And now, this year's most exciting discovery: Drimble Wedge and the Vegetation!

  Girl Backing Singers : [singing]  Oo-oo, I'm bedazzled

  George Spiggott : I don't care

  Girl Backing Singers : Oo-oo, Oo-oo, I'm bedazzled

  George Spiggott : So, you said

  Girl Backing Singers : You knock me out

  George Spiggott : I don't want you

  Girl Backing Singers : You blast me off

  George Spiggott : I don't need you

  Girl Backing Singers : You plug me out

  George Spiggott : I don't love you

  Girl Backing Singers : You plug me in

  George Spiggott : Leave me alone

  Girl Backing Singers : You switch me on

  George Spiggott : I'm self contained

  Girl Backing Singers : You light me up

  George Spiggott : Just go away

  Girl Backing Singers : Bedazzled, I'm bedazzled, I'm bedazzled...