Bedazzled (1967)

Dudley Moore: Stanley Moon

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Spiggott : Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that.

  Stanley Moon : Including what?

  George Spiggott : That everything I've ever told has been a lie. That's not true.

  Stanley Moon : I don't know WHAT to believe.

  George Spiggott : Not me, Stanley, believe me!

• Stanley Moon : You're a nutcase! You're a bleedin' nutcase!

  George Spiggott : They said the same of Jesus Christ, Freud, and Galileo.

  Stanley Moon : They said it of a lot of nutcases too.

  George Spiggott : You're not as stupid as you look, are you, Mr. Moon?

• George Spiggott : Let me tell you something, Stanley. As far as sex is concerned, patience is a virtue.

  Stanley Moon : I wanted her so much I just couldn't wait.

  George Spiggott : Let me give you a tip. Come here. In the words of Marcel Proust - and this applies to any woman in the world - if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage - no matter how stupid it is - that they're coming out with till 10 minutes past 4:00 in the morning, you're in.

  Stanley Moon : Ten minutes past 4:00 in the morning, and you're there?

  George Spiggott : It never fails.

• George Spiggott : [having gotten Stanley's attention by mentioning a million pounds]  Your great-great-great grandfather, Ephraim Moon, sailed to Australia in 1782 on a ship of the Line. Set himself up as an apothecary. The business flourished, and by the time he died it was worth something in the region of 2,000 pounds - a large amount in those days.

  Stanley Moon : Yes...

  George Spiggott : Your great-great-grandfather, Cedric Moon, by skillful management and careful husbandry, increased that sum a hundredfold. This in turn was inherited by your great-grandfather, Desmond Moon, who expanded, diversified, and built up a personal fortune of well over a million pounds!

  Stanley Moon : Oh!... it's a lot of money!

  George Spiggott : A great deal of money, Mister Moon! And this gigantic sum was inherited by your grandfather, Hubert Moon, who returned to London and frittered it away on wine, women, and loose living.

  Stanley Moon : ...ermh... where does that leave me, then?

  George Spiggott : Penniless, and on the brink of suicide!

  [giggles] 

• Stanley Moon : [regarding his contract]  Shouldn't I sign it in blood?

  George Spiggott : Blimey, you are a traditionalist.

• Stanley Moon : [after having been transformed into a nun]  I love you, Margaret.

  Margaret Spencer : And I love you, Sister Luna.

• Stanley Moon : Well, I suppose Lust and Gluttony really have to be rather near the bathroom.

• Stanley Moon : Here, my ice lolly's melted. You really must be the Devil.

  George Spiggott : Incarnate. How d'you do?

• Stanley Moon : I thought you were called Lucifer.

  George Spiggott : I know. "The Bringer of the Light" it used to be. Sounded a bit poofy to me.

• Stanley Moon : Apart from the way He moves, what's God really like? I mean, what colour is He?

  George Spiggott : He's all colours of the rainbow, many-hued.

  Stanley Moon : But He is English, isn't He?

  George Spiggott : Oh yes. Very upper class. Course his Son had a lot of problems, having such a famous father.

• Stanley Moon : [reading Faustian contract]  "I, Stanley Moon, hereinafter and in the hereafter to be known as 'The Damned' - " The damned?

• Stanley Moon : You painted a beautiful dream and shoved me into a nightmare.

• Stanley Moon : If it hadn't been for you, we'd still be blissfully wandering about naked in paradise.

  George Spiggott : You're welcome, mate. The Garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there.

  Stanley Moon : Adam and Eve were happy enough.

  George Spiggott : I'll tell you why: they were pig ignorant.

• George Spiggott : I've got last-minute repentance to contend with.

  Stanley Moon : That doesn't sound too much of a threat.

  George Spiggott : Not much of a threat? Do you realize I can spend 50 or 60 years working on a client making him vain, greedy, lustful, slothful, the lot and then just when he's breathing his last, he goes and bloody repents? I lost Mussolini that way.

  Stanley Moon : Really?

  George Spiggott : At the moment they're putting the noose around his neck, he says, "Scusi. Mille regrette." Up he goes.

• Stanley Moon : [after George Spigott tells him who he is]  I know... you've escaped from somewhere!

• George Spiggott : But suicide, Mr. Moon... Really, really, really. That's the last thing you should do. Don't you think it's taking the easy way out?

  Stanley Moon : Huh! Easy way out? What's easy about it? Look, the bleeding pipe's broken! Can't even manage to kill myself!

• Margaret Spencer : Who's George?

  Stanley Moon : He's the Devil. He's not so bad once you get to know his problems.

• Stanley Moon : You're an angel, George.

  George Spiggott : Here's hoping.

• Stanley Moon : Who was that?

  George Spiggott : Didn't she introduce herself? That's Lilian Lust, the babe with the bust.

• Stanley Moon : Everything you do is third rate.

• Lilian Lust : [while removing her dress and tossing it aside]  I find clothes so constricting. We must allow our pores to breathe. Can you hear my pores breath? Listen.

  [grabs Stanley's head and pushes it against her breasts] 

  Lilian Lust : Would you like a nibble? Why, you must be ravenous! Would you like orange juice? Or, a succulent, sun-ripe, whole - pineapple? But you have to be careful of the prickles.

  Stanley Moon : Oh, I will.

  Lilian Lust : Do you like it in bed?

  Stanley Moon : Uh, uh, yes.

  Lilian Lust : Good. So do I!

• George Spiggott : You remember your great-great-great-grandfather?

  Stanley Moon : Well, I never even met my father.

• Stanley Moon : I'm miserable. I've got a boring job. No money. No prospects. I haven't got a girlfriend. I can't get to know anyone, no one wants to get to know me, and everything is hopeless.

• George Spiggott : God keeps changing his name too, you know. He used to be called the Word.

  Stanley Moon : Yeah."ln the beginning was the Word."

  George Spiggott : "And the Word was God."

  Stanley Moon : Was there just a word hanging about in space then?

  George Spiggott : I suppose so. I wasn't there.

  Stanley Moon : What's it mean,"the Word"?

  George Spiggott : What does "Stanley Moon" mean?

• Stanley Moon : I want a miracle. A rain of toads or something.

• George Spiggott : I wasn't joking. I could give you that and more. Everything you've ever seen in the advertisements: fast, white convertibles, blonde women, their hair trailing in the wind, wafer-thin after-dinner chocolates. If you had all that, would you be any happier?

  Stanley Moon : What are you on about?

  George Spiggott : Would the words Prince of Darkness mean anything to you? Beelzebub? Mephistopheles? The horned one?

• George Spiggott : All we need do now, then, is get it witnessed. Sloth would be best. He's a lawyer. Come on now, Sloth! Wake up, you idle, great slob!

  Stanley Moon : Here, are all your staff like this?

  George Spiggott : That's the trouble. I can't get any decent help these days. God's laughing, of course. All he has to do is raise his little finger, he's got a thousand sycophantic, prissy angels at his beck and call. I'm lumbered with Anger and Sloth.

• Stanley Moon : What are you doing?

  George Spiggott : Just a bit of routine mischief.

• Stanley Moon : if you were a girl - which, of course, you are - and if I were a man, which, for argument's sake, let's say I am, and I wanted to touch you, well - I wouldn't feel restrained. I mean, I'd just go right ahead - and - touch you. You see? That's - that's how I am.

  Margaret Spencer : I feel the same way. I mean, if two adult human beings want to touch each other, they should go ahead and touch each other. Why hold back?

• Stanley Moon : The incredible thing about the Italians, you know, is the way they touch each other. Have you noticed that?

  Margaret Spencer : Yes. Cheers.

  Stanley Moon : The Anglo-Saxons have lost the art of touching each other. I mean, if someone wants to touch somebody else then they should go right ahead and touch them. I mean, it's a healthy, human thing to do.

  Margaret Spencer : Y-You're so right. There's a tribe in - in Africa who never say a word. They just touch each other. That's how they communicate.

  Stanley Moon : Life is far too complicated. I think we should get down to basic elements.

• Stanley Moon : Are you trying to tell me you want that pigeon to do his doo-dahs on that man's head?

  George Spiggott : That's right. All right, birdie, remember what I said. Target in range. All systems - go!

  [releases the pigeon] 

  George Spiggott : Release your doo-dahs!

  Stanley Moon : What a pathetic thing to do. If you're the devil, why didn't you go for that vicar down there?

  George Spiggott : Oh, no. He's one of ours.

• Stanley Moon : As Rousseau said, we must learn to unlearn - because only by unlearning can we really learn to be.

  Margaret Spencer : Your ideas are so exciting!

• Margaret Spencer : This afternoon has been so perfect. The Cinzano. The zoo.

  Stanley Moon : The music. The touching.

  Margaret Spencer : You're so right about the animals. I mean, that's what we are deep down, underneath our sophisticated civilization and we should behave like they do.

  Stanley Moon : Of course. I mean, the fact that it's seven minutes past three in the afternoon wouldn't make any difference to a goat. I mean, Old Billy wouldn't stop to think what time of day it was, would he?

  Margaret Spencer : No, it just goes right ahead and does what it feels like. I mean, really, what are people waiting for? I want to live! That's what matters - living. I want to do everything, be everything - feel everything.

  [Stanley makes his move] 

  Margaret Spencer : Rape! Rape!

  Stanley Moon : No, no! Margaret! Margaret! The animals! The goats! The touching!

  Margaret Spencer : Rape! Rape! Rape!

• Stanley Moon : You see, civilization has had the effect of inhibiting our deepest natural animal instincts, you see.

• Margaret Spencer : Do you like feeling things?

  Stanley Moon : Oh, yes, I'm a very - tactile person.

  Margaret Spencer : I love *touching* things. Sometimes, I go into the forest and shut my eyes and just wander around touching trees and grass and boulders. Y-You should try it. Do it in here! Go on. Shut your eyes. Now feel something hard.

  Stanley Moon : Oh. Ohh! Oh, I'm feeling something terribly hard. It's fantastic.

  Margaret Spencer : Oh, now feel something soft.

  Stanley Moon : Oh. Oh, my goodness gracious me. Oh, it's unbelievable. Oh, the contrast. I've never felt anything so exciting in my life. Yeah. I love it. Feel my tie.

  Margaret Spencer : Oh! Mmm. Oh. It's delicious!

  Stanley Moon : Yeah?

  Margaret Spencer : Velvet. It's so wild. It really does something to me. Oh.

• Margaret Spencer : Oh, Brahms is just so fantastic! Whenever I feel tense or anything, I put him on, just sprawl on the carpet and let him flow all over me.

  Stanley Moon : Would you like a little taste of him now then?

  Margaret Spencer : Please! Not that I'm tense or anything. It's just that it would make me even less tense.

  Stanley Moon : Go on. Lie down.

  Margaret Spencer : Oh, uh, I didn't mean...

  Stanley Moon : Let it happen.

• Margaret Spencer : Doesn't it make you sad to see animals caged up like this?

  Stanley Moon : Well, in a way, but, uh, quite honestly, they're really no worse off than most of us.

  Margaret Spencer : How do you mean?

  Stanley Moon : Well, metaphorically speaking and in a very real sense, society creates its own cages. You know, cages of the mind.

  Margaret Spencer : Yes. Yes.

  Stanley Moon : A curious kind of cerebral captivity.

• George Spiggott : Have you ever thought of making Margaret into a charitable institution?

  Stanley Moon : What a cracking wheeze! Yes, and then I could get a depreciation allowance on her.

  George Spiggott : Exactly. I think the revenue boys would buy that one.

  Stanley Moon : Yes.

  George Spiggott : You could probably get her clothes taken off as well.

  Stanley Moon : Yes, I'm sure they'd be deductible.

  George Spiggott : Properly handled, I think she could be a wonderful little asset.

• George Spiggott : Sex is a terribly thorny subject, isn't it?

  Stanley Moon : Tsk-tsk-tsk. Terribly thorny. Very thorny subject.

• Margaret Spencer : We're playing croquet. Why don't you and Peter go away and discuss your affairs?

  Stanley Moon : True enough. I suppose we ought to tie up this Venezuelan business.

  George Spiggott : Yes. Lord Dowdy, I wonder if you'd be so kind as to take over my blue ball and double up with Daphne.

• George Spiggott : Wasn't she physical enough?

  Stanley Moon : She was physical, all right. She was too physical. She was physical all over the place, except with me.

• Lilian Lust : Oh, I love a man who knows what he wants. Do you crave marmalade or honey?

  Stanley Moon : Honey.

  Lilian Lust : Ohh! I do so love the smell of honey on a man's lips.

• Stanley Moon : [singing]  Tell me you need me, Touch me and say, Oh, love me! I'm on my knees, Won't you please, Come and love me...

• George Spiggott : I'll tell you what people go mad for these days. That's your pop stars. I can just see you, Stanley, standing there in your skintight pants, the music pounding, the women screaming, Margaret laughing, the drums throbbing out with their incessant animal beat!

  Stanley Moon : Let me have it!

  George Spiggott : Julie Andrews!

• Stanley Moon : What have you got to be depressed about? I mean, look on the bright side. Think of all your successes. Sodom and Gomorrah.

  George Spiggott : Short-lived, Stanley. Short-lived. Besides, as soon as I get a really swinging scene going, He butts in with his fire and brimstone. He's a very destructive, unpredictable person.

• George Spiggott : What happened?

  Stanley Moon : What happened. It finished before it started. That's what happened!

  George Spiggott : They're like that these days, your pop fans, aren't they? Very fickle.

• Margaret Spencer : What magic is afoot?

  Stanley Moon : Our love is written in the book of fate. There is no escaping it.

  Margaret Spencer : This - can't be right - and yet, within my breast beats *such* desire.

• Stanley Moon : You know, looking around the party at everybody, all of them trying to be something they weren't in the first place, all I want to be is me

• Stanley Moon : I want to be a warm, loving, tender person and Margaret exactly the same. I want all the fun of meeting her for the first time and falling in love with her. I love her, and she loves me. We're in love forever. Surroundings? Serene and far removed from the false glitter, the raucous music, and the neon lights of this modern world. We're both young - white - and in perfect health.