A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966)

Phil Silvers: Marcus Lycus

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lycus : I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

  Crassus : Who?

  Lycus : The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!

  Crassus : Oh, Pseudolus.

• Lycus : Is it contagious?

  Pseudolus : Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

• Lycus : This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens.

  [Exits scene, returns] 

  Lycus : A new god, but a very hard worker.

• Lycus : If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.

• Pseudolus : Did I not just spy a golden head with a pair of sky-blue eyes wafting down yon balcony?

  Lycus : Oh, that one. A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.

  Pseudolus : A virgin.

  Hero : Is that good?

• Lycus : She was sold just this morning.

  Hero : Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

  [tries to stab himself and misses] 

  Pseudolus : [takes the blade]  Behave yourself!

  Lycus : [resuming]  He'll pick her up within the hour.

  Hero : Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

  [takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again] 

  Pseudolus : Put your bosom away!

• Lycus : How did you come into money?

  Pseudolus : An unexpected legacy. My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end. He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season.

• Lycus : Consider the Gemini: a matched pair. Look at them, gentlemen. Either one a divinely assembled woman, together, an infinite number of mathematical possibilities.

• Lycus : Now, for your assure approval and possible purchase, from out of the East, with the face of an idol, the arms of a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel: Tintinabula.

• Lycus : Vibrata. A desert bloom of indescribable beauty. Lithe as a tigress. Wondrous as a flamingo. For he whose interest is the wildlife.

• Lycus : I know what you want. Behold Panacea. Panacea, whose face holds a thousand promises, and a body that stands behind each promise.

• Pseudolus : Our principle character live on this street, in a less fashionable suburb of Rome in these three houses. First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates!

  Chorus : [sung]  Something erratic, something dramatic, something for everyone a comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women - that's for those of you who have absolutely no interest in pirates.

  Lycus : Something for everyone!

  Pseudolus : [sung]  A comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : And finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son. Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son. Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece, a role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such versatility, such magnificent training, such... Let me put it this way - I play the part.

• [last lines] 

  Pseudolus : [sung]  Lovers divided, get coincided - something for everyone...

  Hero , Philia : A comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : Father and mother, get one another.

  Domina : Something for everyone...

  Senex : [whispers]  A tragedy tonight.

  Miles Gloriosus : I get the twins, they get the best!

  Erronius : I get a family...

  Hysterium : I get a rest.

  Soldiers : We get a few girls...

  Lycus : I'll get some new girls.

  Pseudolus : I get the thing I want to be...

  Hero : [spoken]  Free.

  Pseudolus : Free!

  Pseudolus , Hero , Philia , Domina , Senex , Miles Gloriosus , Erronius , Hysterium , Soldiers , Lycus : Free, free, free, free - Nothing for kings, nothing for crowns! Something for lovers, liars and clowns - What is the moral? Must be a moral. Here is the moral wrong or right - Morals tomorrow, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy - tonight!

• Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : [singing]  Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,

  Lycus : Cleaning up?

  Senex : Leaning down,

  Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who'll be, Busy as a bumblebee, And even if you grumble, Be as graceful as a grouse,

  Lycus : Wriggling in the anteroom!

  Hysterium : Jiggling in the living room!

  Pseudolus : Giggling in the dining room!

  Senex : Wiggling in the other rooms!

  Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Puttering all around the house!