A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966)

Jack Gilford: Hysterium

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hysterium : [He's dressed in women's clothing]  My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.

  Pseudolus : Your father is alive.

  Hysterium : Well... this will kill him.

• Hero : Hysterium, this is Philia.

  Hysterium : Never mind who she is! Who IS she?

• Hysterium : Rather than let you down, I would die.

  Domina : That is what I had in mind.

• Hysterium : I live to grovel.

• Pseudolus : We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

  Hysterium : Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

  Pseudolus : He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

  Hysterium : Uh - what about HIS body?

  Pseudolus : Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?

  [He covers his eyes with his hand] 

  Hysterium : [sadly]  I wish *I* was.

  [Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"] 

• Pseudolus : [referring to Hero's being alone with Philia]  What can happen in an hour or two?

  Hysterium : At his age, the mind boggles!

• Pseudolus : Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

  Hysterium : One of us isn't ready yet.

• Domina : That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

  Hysterium : Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

  Senex : Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.

• Hysterium : How dare you call me a eunuch?

  Pseudolus : You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?

• Hysterium : Pseudolus...

  Pseudolus : I'm Lycus!

  Hysterium : But, Pseudolus...

  Pseudolus : I'm Lycus!

  Hysterium : But, Pseudolus - !

  Pseudolus : I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!

  Hysterium : Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!

• Hysterium : How dare you! Arranging an assignation between an innocent boy and a you-know-what!

  Pseudolus : There's something about that you-know-what that you do not know what!

  Hysterium : What do I know not what?

  Pseudolus : That girl is my daughter.

  Hysterium : Your what?

  Pseudolus : My daughter. You've heard me speak of her.

  Hysterium : Never!

  Pseudolus : And I don't like to talk about her.

  Hysterium : That girl is not your daughter.

  Pseudolus : My sister?

• Pseudolus : You see? Everything is turning out fine.

  Hysterium : Everything is turning out fine? When the master thinks the virgin's a maid, the virgin think's shes the master's mistress, and the mistress not know her son's about with his tongue hanging out.

• [last lines] 

  Pseudolus : [sung]  Lovers divided, get coincided - something for everyone...

  Hero , Philia : A comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : Father and mother, get one another.

  Domina : Something for everyone...

  Senex : [whispers]  A tragedy tonight.

  Miles Gloriosus : I get the twins, they get the best!

  Erronius : I get a family...

  Hysterium : I get a rest.

  Soldiers : We get a few girls...

  Lycus : I'll get some new girls.

  Pseudolus : I get the thing I want to be...

  Hero : [spoken]  Free.

  Pseudolus : Free!

  Pseudolus , Hero , Philia , Domina , Senex , Miles Gloriosus , Erronius , Hysterium , Soldiers , Lycus : Free, free, free, free - Nothing for kings, nothing for crowns! Something for lovers, liars and clowns - What is the moral? Must be a moral. Here is the moral wrong or right - Morals tomorrow, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy - tonight!

• Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : [singing]  Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,

  Lycus : Cleaning up?

  Senex : Leaning down,

  Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who'll be, Busy as a bumblebee, And even if you grumble, Be as graceful as a grouse,

  Lycus : Wriggling in the anteroom!

  Hysterium : Jiggling in the living room!

  Pseudolus : Giggling in the dining room!

  Senex : Wiggling in the other rooms!

  Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Puttering all around the house!

• Hysterium : But, Lycus. Goodbye, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus. Good luck, Lycus. He is Lycus.