- Michael James: Did you find a job?
- Victor Skakapopulis: Yeah, I got something at the striptease. I help the girls dress and undress.
- Michael James: Nice job.
- Victor Skakapopulis: Twenty francs a week.
- Michael James: Not very much.
- Victor Skakapopulis: It's all I can afford.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: My father, the most beloved gynecologist in Vienna, before they took him away on a morals charge for indecent exposure at the State Opera House, said, and I quote: "Please do not take me away, I will not do it again."
- Victor Skakapopulis: Brilliant quote.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: He was a brilliant pervert.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: You're grotesque!
- Anna Fassbender: Lascivious adulterer!
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Don't you dare call me that again until I have looked it up!
- Anna Fassbender: Adulterer! Adulterer! Lascivious adulterer!
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Silence when you're shouting at me!
- [looks through a dictionary]
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Lascivious adulterer... let's see... lascivious adulterer is a man, who is a lascivious adulterer? What kind of book is that?
- Anna Fassbender: Is she prettier than me?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Is she prettier than you? I'M prettier than YOU!
- [Liz has just taken an overdose of pills at Michael's apartment for the third time]
- Doctor: Mademoiselle, the boys at the Emergency Suicide ward have voted to give you this gold watch for unusual devotion.
- Liz Bien: You're right. I must face my problems. I can't go through life being a semi-virgin.
- Michael James: What, in the name of all that is gracious, is a semi-virgin?
- Liz Bien: Here, I'm a virgin. In America, I'm not.
- Michael James: What do they do, stamp it on your passport?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I, uh, decided to follow you here.
- Michael James: If you followed me here, how did you contrive to be here before me?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I followed you... very fast.
- Doctor: [Liz Bien, the stripper, has just made her second suicide attempt while in Michael's company. The same ER doctor has responded] You wouldn't happen to be the young lady's fiancee, would you?
- Michael James: No, just a friend.
- Doctor: Pretty rough friendship you've got there.
- Carole Werner: We're married thirty seconds and already you look at other women.
- Michael James: I had to look at her, she was talking to me, I looked in the direction the sound was coming from.
- [James is drunk and Carole has taken his car keys]
- Michael James: Give me the key.
- Carole Werner: No. Take a cab.
- Michael James: I don't wish to take a key, I want my car cabs!
- Carole Werner: You got something to eat?
- Victor Skakapopulis: [looking around his messy kitchen] Some, uh, some Fig Newtons and some Hershey bars and some cough drops.
- Carole Werner: You got any tuna fish?
- Victor Skakapopulis: [searching cupboard] Tuna fish... tuna fish... I have some salmon salad left.
- Carole Werner: What do you mean, left? When did you make it?
- Victor Skakapopulis: In April, but if you smother it with pepper it's fine.
- Miss Marks: Oh, Victor! I can't let you make love to me with someone in the closet!
- Victor Skakapopulis: Oh, really? How many people in the closet do you need?
- Michael James: Can you imagine what it feels like to be in close contact every day with the worid's most gorgeous women? And what can I do? I can't say no. And why should I say no? I love it, do you hear? I love every second of it. That's how it's always been with me. A little pleasure, a little pain, but always back to the ladies.
- Michael James: Look, I know you'll think this is crazy, but, er, when the light hits me from a certain direction, I'm... handsome
- [swigs from bottle]
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I am a doctor of the mind.
- Victor Skakapopulis: Really?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Yes!
- Victor Skakapopulis: I have terrible emotional problems. Could you help me?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: You certainly picked a very odd time to ask me, just in the middle of a suicide.
- Anna Fassbender: [delivers a Wagnerian Valkyrie yodel]
- Rita: Who is that thing?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: That isn't a thing, this is my wife!
- [to his wife]
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: This is a personal friend of James Bond!
- Victor Skakapopulis: I just burnt my finger! I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: You'll like this group analysis, it's a real freak show. If it gets dull, we sing songs.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: If it fails, then we'll try something else, because I use all kinds of unorthodox methods. For example, I've had the greatest success shutting people in dark closets.
- Victor Skakapopulis: We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: [to his wife] I hate you! I hate you! I've hated you from the moment I first married you!
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I think that, with you, sex is a sport, ya?
- Michael James: Oh, yes. I love the the smell of perfume and the thrill of the chase and the moment of conquest.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I like thighs. Do you like thighs?
- Liz Bien: How'd you like my poems?
- Michael James: I think they're very beautiful and quite moving.
- Liz Bien: Did you like the one about peaceful coexistence, 'Ode To A Pacifist Junkie'?
- Michael James: Yes. I thought it was very sexy.
- Michael James: You must not attack her. You must woo her.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Woo her?
- Michael James: Woo her.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: So you turned promiscuous? Well, I love that in a woman. Love it. I love it.
- Renée Lefevre: I can't help it, I'm a physical woman. I feel guilty about it. But I come from a family of acute nymphomaniacs. That includes my father and my two brothers.
- Dream Girl #1: Michael, remember me? You loved me in your office.
- Michael James: Indeed I do.
- Dream Girl #2: Remember the night in the hospital bed?
- Michael James: Unforgettable.
- Dream Girl #3: My mother's crypt.
- Michael James: Oh, poor mummy.
- Dream Girl #4: On top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Michael James: Very chilly.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Oh, what a fool I've been. I've searched and searched and sampled every girl I could find. And now I realize that
- [flashing on the screen: Author's message:]
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: human fulfillment does not come from short, physical, random adventures, But from a deep relationship which is quite often under one's very nose.
- Liz Bien: Would you excuse me for a minute? I'm going into the bathroom to take an overdose of sleeping pills.
- Michael James: I like you. You're a nice stable girl.
- Victor Skakapopulis: Do you have any salt?
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Have I got any salt? I got a boat, I got kerosene, matches, firecrackers, two swords, and this flag. But, I ain't got no salt.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: When did all this come to an end?
- Michael James: It didn't come to an end! That's the point.
- Man In Strip Club: [Richard Burton in cameo appearance] Excuse me, haven't *you* seen *me* somewhere before?
- Michael James: I know the name, but I can't remember the face.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I'll see you next Friday, I've got a few phone calls to make.
- Michael James: But I haven't finished. I've only been here fifteen minutes.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: I can't take more than fifteen minutes of your sex life at one time.
- Michael James: Could you tell me about your typical clientele?
- Etienne: My typical clientele?
- Michael James: Typical.
- Etienne: All the people who are here now are typical clientele.
- Michael James: Really?
- Etienne: There is a man cheating on his wife in room Lola Montez. There is a woman cheating on her two husbands in Carlotta. Two lovers of indeterminate sex in Reine Margot. And two men cheating in Don Juan.
- Michael James: Yes. Well, one might say the joint is jumping.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: [Addressing group therapy class] Where did we leave off last session?
- Durell - Mental Patient: When the train entered the tunnel.
- [Michael and Carol argue after having made up]
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: Perhaps I haven't lost a son, maybe I've gained another patient.
- Michael James: I want to hear your poems.
- Liz Bien: Oh, all right. But behave.
- Michael James: Yes, sure. I - I love erotic poems.
- Liz Bien: Oh, it's not erotic, it's political.
- Michael James: Is it?
- Liz Bien: Mm-hm. Oh, yeah. I wrote this at Hillside Hospital, just after my fourth nervous breakdown. Um! Two, three, four: "Who killed Charlie Parker? Um! You did. You - rat!" I dedicate this next poem...
- Michael James: Yes. Well, it's been an interesting evening.
- Carole Werner: [taking a shower] Michael?
- Michael James: Hello, pussycat.
- [steps into the shower]
- Michael James: Pussycat, I love you.
- Carole Werner: Thank you for another pot of flowers. Shall I get dressed? Or is it foreign-movie time?
- Michael James: Foreign-movie time.
- Michael James: Look, a point I've noticed, scientifically, is that stripping is not sexy.
- Dr. Fritz Fassbender: No, not in the slightest.
- Michael James: Listen, I can speak with a certain authority on this because I've seen this show - a hundred times.
- Michael James: It's different for a girl.
- Carole Werner: It is not! It is not different! And if you can run around, so can I.
- Renée Lefevre: He told me any time I had trouble controlling myself I should blow the whistle.
- Michael James: You have - eh - trouble controlling yourself?
- Renée Lefevre: Only with men. I have an intense need to be loved by many men, many times.
- Michael James: Really? Eh, a little wine? Would you care for?
- Renée Lefevre: Yes.
- Michael James: You'd never know by your placid exterior that underneath that ice-cold facade beats the heart of a savage, lustful, passionate animal.
- [kiss]