The Brass Bottle (1964)

Tony Randall: Harold Ventimore

Photos 

Quotes 

• Harold Ventimore : I *swear* to you there was a lunatic in this room.

  Eddie : There still is.

• Harold Ventimore : Oh, my Kum Kum came!

  William Beevor : Did you say: Kum Kum came?

  Harold Ventimore : Kum Kum!

• Harold Ventimore : Holy Toledo! You robbed Fort Knox.

  Fakrash : I robbed nobody. I make my own gold.

  Harold Ventimore : What a handy hobby!

• Harold Ventimore : Please don't misunderstand, Miss, you're very lovely. But, I happen to be in love with somebody else.

  Tezra : Then, pray, may I grace thy harem as one of thy lesser favorites?

  Harold Ventimore : I don't have a harem.

  Fakrash : They have a strange custom these days, Texra. One wife to a man.

  Tezra : Verily! It took us 3,000 years; but, we have prevailed. I shall find this changed world most pleasing.

• Tezra : [walking in high heels]  Can the females of today truly walk in these?

  Harold Ventimore : Yes. Don't ask me how.

• Tezra : Harold, what shall I do with this?

  [holds up a pair of female underwear] 

  Sylvia Kenton : I suppose she's a Genie too!

  Harold Ventimore : Yes, she is. She's a blue Gen. Mr. Fakrash is a green Gen. He produced her out of a puff of smoke.

• Harold Ventimore : [to bowing men in Middle Eastern garb]  Oh, for Pete's sake get up, this is not Baghdad it's Pasadena.

• Fakrash : [after demonstrating his powers to a group of high officials]  Now why the long face? They must be convinced now.

  Harold Ventimore : But how will they convince anyone else? People will think they're crazy. The same things will happen to them that happened to me. Your way doesn't work either. All you've done is start a chain reaction that'll spread more & more trouble for more & more people.

  Fakrash : Then you wish me to undo what I've done?

  Harold Ventimore : I wish you could undo everything you've done since I let you out of that bottle

  Fakrash : It is possible.

  Harold Ventimore : You mean... you really can turn things back the way they were?

  Fakrash : It is within my power.

  Harold Ventimore : What were you waiting for? Why didn't you do it when the trouble first started?

  Fakrash : I made a vow to serve you. I was seeking a way to do it.

  Harold Ventimore : You've found it! Turn everything back!

  Fakrash : Very well. I will erase memory of me and everything that I have done from the minds of everyone... but you.

  Harold Ventimore : Why not me?

  Fakrash : Well, you can't want that. I can still gratify your every wish. Give you anything you want. Even Sylvia.

  Harold Ventimore : Mr. Fakrash, we have a few wisely written words, too. I learned one at school. "What we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly and it has little value". I always thought that was for squares until now.

  Fakrash : Then it will make you happy if I erase all memory of me from your mind, too.

  Harold Ventimore : It will.

  Fakrash : So be it. Farewell, my son. And may peace be with thee and may thy friends never be deprived of thy presence. For truly thou are an excellent young man.

  [smiles and vanishes] 

  Harold Ventimore : [smiling]  Goodbye, Mr. Fakrash.

• Mrs. McGruder : You didn't say what vegetables you want with the chicken.

  Harold Ventimore : Oh... peas, carrots,

  [looking out the window] 

  Harold Ventimore : camels!

  Seymour Jenks : Camels?

  Harold Ventimore : Camels! Oh no. Oh no... he didn't. Oh no!

• Harold Ventimore : Officer, I can explain this whole thing.

  Eddie : Yes?

  Harold Ventimore : Nah. Forget it. I don't think I can explain the explanation.

• Fakrash : I'll admit Miss Kitten is not without charm. But, she is no comparison to the beauties who adorn the court of King Solomon. Say the word and I'll bring you - a hundred wives to replace her.

  Harold Ventimore : Don't be ridiculous.

  Fakrash : Fifty?

  Harold Ventimore : Not even two. It's against the law for a man to have more than one wife.

  Fakrash : A revolting waste of man power.

• Tezra : What is that?

  Harold Ventimore : It's a girdle.

  Tezra : It is worn?

  Harold Ventimore : Yes!

  Tezra : But how?

  Harold Ventimore : Well, you just step into it.

  Tezra : It's too small.

  Harold Ventimore : No! It stretches. See. You just put your feet through it.

  [tries it on] 

  Harold Ventimore : Wiggle up in it, as best as you can.

• Sylvia Kenton : Ever since the Jenks came back from Paris and you moved them into your home, all I've been hearing about's the fun you used to have. The crazy scavenger hunts in the Louvre and the barge you bought, used for parties, with everybody swimming in the Seine at three o'clock in them morning. Are you sure you aren't going to miss all that?

  Harold Ventimore : Of course not! We have - Disneyland.

• Harold Ventimore : Oh, cut out that silly double-talk! You're not even any good at it.

  Fakrash : I was but expressing my gratitude for my release from the brass bottle!

• Fakrash : Surely thou hast knowledge of the Gen?

  Harold Ventimore : Well, surely. You're a genie like the one in Aladdin's lamp. That explains how you fit in the brass bottle.

  Fakrash : Even so.

  Harold Ventimore : Alright, come on, how much is Seymour paying you for this corny act?

  Fakrash : I have no knowledge of such a one.

• William Beevor : Know, o young man of kindness and noble deeds, that I had a kinswoman of such surpassing beauty that King Suleiman took her as wife 1,001. And it came to pass, that a certain judge of east, son of Ramus, informed the King that she was my beloved and not my kinswoman.

  Harold Ventimore : Well, that was a pretty dirty trick.

  William Beevor : The Great Suleiman... was angered and commanded that I be imprisoned in that bottle and cast into the sea, there to abide the day of doom!

• Harold Ventimore : I don't know how he got out! For that matter, I don't even know how he got in. All I know is that when I opened my eyes: there he was!

• Harold Ventimore : Miss Glidden, when Mr. Beevor's through in there, tell him I've taken the rest of the day off.

  Miss Glidden : Mr, Ventimore, you've been drinking!

  Harold Ventimore : Then after he blows his stack, show him that.

  [shows her a card] 

  Miss Glidden : Samuel Wackerbath!

  Harold Ventimore : He wants me to do Wackerbath City.

• Harold Ventimore : Why didn't you ask me before you arranged this - Arabian nightmare?

• Fakrash : Greatly has the world changed, Tezra. But, I have assured thy happiness. I have chosen for thee to wed a mortal. But, the best of mortals! A prince among princes! A man of such magnificence his brilliance makes the sun turn pale, in comparison. He stands tall and straight like the Cedars of Lebanon! And has the heart of a lion. When he walks, the ground trembles and the mighty oak turns green with envy. Behold, Tezra.

  Tezra : Ask of me what thou wilt do, Master.

  Harold Ventimore : I don't wilt anything. Please get up, Miss.

  Fakrash : Look at her, my boy! The eyes! The lips! The skin! And the figure. The figure, Harold! Turn around, Tezra. Slowly. Slowly. Well, what to do you say, my boy?

• Tezra : [Harold presents a new dress]  This is wondrously beautiful! I shall enjoy being a woman in thy century, Master.

  Harold Ventimore : I am *not* thy Master. My name is Harold.

• Harold Ventimore : I wish I were dead.

  Fakrash : Who speaks of death, when there is so much joy in living!

• Fakrash : I have a proposition for thee.

  Harold Ventimore : When you start with that "thee" and "thou" talk, I smell trouble.

• Harold Ventimore : All right. Maybe a little hocus; but, no pocus!