[
speaking of a character in a play he has seen]
Mortimer Brewster:
He sits there *waiting* to be tied up and gagged!
[
laughs]
Mortimer Brewster:
The big dope!
[
last lines]
Mortimer Brewster:
No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!
[
he runs off across the cemetary]
Cab Driver:
And I'm not a cab driver, I'm a coffee pot!
Dr. Einstein:
At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
Dr. Einstein:
[
agonizing] How can somebody be so stupid!
Elaine Harper:
But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
Mortimer Brewster:
One thing at a time!
Mortimer Brewster:
Look, you can’t do things like that! Now, I don't know how I can explain this to you. But, it's not only against the law, its wrong!
Martha Brewster:
Oh, piffle!
Mortimer Brewster:
It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit!
Mortimer Brewster:
Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!
Elaine Harper:
[
Adoring] Yes, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster:
What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
Elaine Harper:
[
Adoring] No, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster:
And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
[
He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]
Teddy Brewster:
[
His first line] I must be catching cold.
Abby Brewster:
No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
Reverend Harper:
Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
Abby Brewster:
Oh, no.
Martha Brewster:
Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
Abby Brewster:
Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.
Martha Brewster:
And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
[
discussing the body count]
Dr. Einstein:
You got twelve, they got twelve.
[
angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
Jonathan Brewster:
I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein:
No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
Jonathan Brewster:
Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein:
Phoenix?
Jonathan Brewster:
The filling station...
Dr. Einstein:
Filling station? Oh!
[
slits throat]
Dr. Einstein:
Yes.
Jonathan Brewster:
Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
Dr. Einstein:
You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster:
He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein:
No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Mortimer Brewster:
The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
Teddy Brewster:
Code for Roosevelt?
Mortimer Brewster:
Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy Brewster:
Rooster!
Mortimer Brewster:
Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy Brewster:
Crows.
Mortimer Brewster:
It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy Brewster:
On the veldt!
Mortimer Brewster:
There you are: crows - veldt!
Teddy Brewster:
Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
Mortimer Brewster:
Look I probably should have told you this before but you see... well... insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
Mortimer Brewster:
Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men down in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
Aunt Abby Brewster:
Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
Dr. Einstein:
Where am I? Oh, here I am.
Elaine Harper:
Now, wait a minute! Listen! You can't marry me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.
Mortimer Brewster:
I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?
[
pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper]
Elaine Harper:
Mortimer!
Mr. Gibbs:
[
picks up the phone] I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...
Elaine Harper:
Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster:
[
into the phone] You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.
Elaine Harper:
How do you like that...
Mr. Gibbs:
I read an ad here about a room to rent...
Elaine Harper:
Oh, shut up!
Mortimer Brewster:
When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!
Martha Brewster:
[
to Mortimer] One of our gentlemen found time to say "How delicious"!
[
after finding the dead body in the window seat]
Mortimer Brewster:
But - what happened to him?
Martha Brewster:
[
cheerfully] He died.
Dr. Einstein:
[
to Jonathon] We got a hot stiff on our hands!
Teddy Brewster:
Mr. Witherfork!
Mr. Witherspoon:
Spoon!
[
Mortimer hands him a spoon]
[
on the telephone]
Mortimer Brewster:
Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure?
[
hangs up]
Mortimer Brewster:
Well, then I must be here.
[
Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon]
Elaine Harper:
But, darling - Niagara Falls.
Mortimer Brewster:
It does? Well, let it.
Aunt Martha:
For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Mortimer Brewster:
Hmm. Should have quite a kick.
Jonathan Brewster:
Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Dr. Einstein.
Elaine Harper:
Dr. Einstein?
Jonathan Brewster:
A surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Elaine Harper:
Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar...
Jonathan Brewster:
I am Jonathan Brewster!
Jonathan Brewster:
We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed.
Martha Brewster:
The car is alright where it is until morning.
Jonathan Brewster:
I don't want to leave it in the street. That might be against the law.
[
speaking of the Brewster sisters]
Police Sgt. Brophy:
They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like, they're like pressed rose leaves.
[
to Mortimer]
Elaine Harper:
We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
[
Repeated line]
Jonathan Brewster:
Go to bed, Aunt Abby!
[
to Jonathan]
Mortimer Brewster:
Where did you get that face? Hollywood?
Jonathan Brewster:
Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
Teddy Brewster:
I beg your pardon. Who are you?
Jonathan Brewster:
I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy Brewster:
No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know now - perhaps later on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
Mortimer Brewster:
Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
[
after listening to Mortimer's description of a character in a play]
Dr. Einstein:
You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.
[
Explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married]
Mortimer Brewster:
You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.
Mortimer Brewster:
All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.
Cab Driver:
I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.
Mr. Witherspoon:
[
offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!
Jonathan Brewster:
[
threatening Mortimer] If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar.
Mortimer Brewster:
Cellar?
Jonathan Brewster:
There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.
Reporter:
Looks like the same suckers get married everyday.
[
singing]
Mortimer Brewster:
There is a Happydale, far, far away...
Mortimer Brewster:
You didn't want the reverend to see the body?
Aunt Abby:
Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Dr. Einstein:
You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he know something about us, what happens?
Jonathan Brewster:
We come to him for help, and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff!
Mortimer Brewster:
Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die!
Abby Brewster:
We know, dear. He died first.
Mortimer Brewster:
Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster:
Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster:
How did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster:
Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
Mortimer Brewster:
You mean, you... You put it in the wine!
Abby Brewster:
Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.
Mortimer Brewster:
Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Abby Brewster:
Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, it's first-degree.
Abby Brewster:
Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
Jonathan Brewster:
[
to Dr. Einstein] This time, I want the face of an absolute non-enity!
[
Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery]
Mortimer Brewster:
Pull up a tombstone!
Jonathan Brewster:
Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer.
Dr. Einstein:
But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day.
Jonathan Brewster:
Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
Dr. Einstein:
Yeah, I know that look.
Jonathan Brewster:
It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.
Dr. Einstein:
Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London.
Jonathan Brewster:
No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein:
[
cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!
Mortimer Brewster:
Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of presenting...
Teddy Brewster:
Doctor Livingston?
Dr. Gilchrist:
Livingstone?
Mortimer Brewster:
Uh, well, that's what he presumes.
Aunt Abby:
[
to Mortimer] Now, Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
Mortimer Brewster:
But there's a body in the window seat!
Aunt Abby:
Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster:
You know?
Martha Brewster:
Of course!
Aunt Abby:
Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster:
Forget?
Aunt Abby:
We never dreamed you'd peek.
Mortimer Brewster:
What the...?
Mortimer Brewster:
[
on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea.
[
throws down the phone in disgust]
Lt. Rooney:
Who are you? What's your name?
Mortimer Brewster:
Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.
Aunt Abby Brewster:
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?
Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
Mortimer Brewster:
Wait outside.
Dr. Gilchrist:
But it's Halloween!
Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.
Jonathan Brewster:
[
pulling on surgical gloves] And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein:
No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan Brewster:
Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein:
I cannot pull myself together without a drink!
Elaine Harper:
[
Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine] Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
Mortimer Brewster:
Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!
Mortimer Brewster:
What is this? Did everybody in Brooklyn know I was going to get married except me?
Martha Brewster:
We knew you'd find out about it in time.
Mortimer Brewster:
[
trying to make Jonathan leave] Now, Jonathon. Be a good fellow. Here's ten dollars. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel?
Jonathan Brewster:
[
to Dr. Einstein] This is the home of my youth... As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Now, I'm glad to escape back into it.
[
repeated line]
Teddy Brewster:
Charge!
Dr. Einstein:
Alright, Mr. President, we go to Panama.
Teddy Brewster:
Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know.
Dr. Einstein:
[
hat falling across his eyes] Well, Bon voyage!
Mortimer Brewster:
Even the cat's in on it!
Mortimer Brewster:
[
watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette] Go on - fight, fight. I don't care.
Mortimer Brewster:
[
watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe] Oh, don't do that. It never works.
Mortimer Brewster:
[
Jonathan collapses] What do you know? it worked!
Teddy Brewster:
[
showing Einstein a photo] This is the picture I was telling you about, General. Here we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General Goefels. That's me, General, and that's you.
Dr. Einstein:
My how I've changed.
Mortimer Brewster:
[
to Dr Einstein] Stop underplaying, I can't hear you!
Teddy Brewster:
[
after charging up the stairs] We're going to attack the bunker!
Police Sgt. Brophy:
The bunker?
Aunt Abby:
Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.
Mortimer Brewster:
[
to Mr. Gibbs] You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?
Teddy Brewster:
[
Mr. Witherspoon has just met Teddy and Teddy pulls Mortimer aside] Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out?
Mortimer Brewster:
Who?
Teddy Brewster:
[
points to Mr. Witherspoon] Taft!
Mortimer Brewster:
Now look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster:
Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster:
Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster:
Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
Jonathan Brewster:
I'll get every one of you! I hate cops! I'll brain the first one that comes near me!
[
Mortimer has just been talking to his aunts but was interrupted by the phone ringing. He now hangs it up]
Mortimer Brewster:
Now, where was I? Twelve... *TWELVE*?
[
He runs back to talk to his aunts again]
[
to Mortimer on Teddy]
Dr. Gilchrist:
I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia.
[
first lines]
Baseball Fan:
I'll knock your block off, you big stiff! You're a bum!
Photographer at Marriage License Office:
Mr. Brewster?
Mortimer Brewster:
Now, look... Goodbye, dear.
Teddy Brewster:
Charge! Charge the blockhouse!
Mortimer Brewster:
[
to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha] Come here. I've got the two nicest Aunts in the world. Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the world, too.
Mortimer Brewster:
I saw a play last week, it had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathon.
Abby Brewster:
Oh, really?
Mortimer Brewster:
Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out".
Abby Brewster:
Oh, dear!
Mortimer Brewster:
Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing...
[
opens the window seat and finds a dead body]
Martha Brewster:
[
about the men they have poisoned] Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?
Abby Brewster:
Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.
Martha Brewster:
Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.
Abby Brewster:
No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
Martha Brewster:
But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.
Abby Brewster:
Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.
Martha Brewster:
It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.
Mortimer Brewster:
Makes it twelve? Twelve.
Mr. Witherspoon:
[
to himself] Another Roosevelt? Oh, dear, dear.
Jonathan Brewster:
[
to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha] Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remember that, as a boy, I could be disagreeable. It would not be pleasant for any of us if... I don't have to go into details, do I?
Teddy Brewster:
[
to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha] General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size.
Mortimer Brewster:
[
finding a second body in the window seat] Ye, Gods! There's another one!
Abby Brewster:
[
to Mortimer about the body in the window seat] Who can that be?
Dr. Einstein:
[
to Mortimer] Look, when Johnny's in that mood, he's a madman! He's a maniac! And then things happen. Horrible things...
[
draws finger across throat]
Jonathan Brewster:
[
to Dr. Einstein] To my dear dead brother.
Officer Patrick O'Hara:
[
to Sgt. Brophy, about Jonathon] Look at that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff.
Teddy Brewster:
What news have you brought me?
Mortimer Brewster:
Just this, Mr. President, the country is squarely behind you.
Teddy Brewster:
Yes, I know.
Teddy Brewster:
Gentlemen, what news have you brought me?
Police Sgt. Brophy:
[
salutes] Colonel, we have nothing to report.
Officer Patrick O'Hara:
Huh?
[
Brophy elbows him and he salutes also]
Officer Patrick O'Hara:
Oh, no! Absolutely nothing to report!
Teddy Brewster:
Splendid. Thank you, gentlemen. At ease.
Police Sgt. Brophy:
Look, Sergeant, I promised ya I wouldn't swear but what the he -
[
stops, noticing the Reverend]
Police Sgt. Brophy:
What's goin' on here anyway?
Reverend Harper:
Oh, he's quite harmless.
Police Sgt. Brophy:
Thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. So what? There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.
Cab Driver:
Hey! $22.50!
Mortimer Brewster:
What?
Cab Driver:
$22.50!
Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, yes, looks good on you!
Cab Driver:
Yeah. Not the suit, the meter!
Cab Driver:
Hey, you! Five more bucks and you'll own it!
Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, no thanks! It wouldn't fit me!
Mortimer Brewster:
[
introducing Teddy to Gilchrist] Oh, uh, Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of introducing...
Teddy Brewster:
Dr. Livingstone!
Dr. Gilchrist:
Livingstone?
Mortimer Brewster:
Yeah, well, that's what he presumes.
Teddy Brewster:
[
to Mr. Witherspoon] Mr. Witherfork.
Mr. Witherspoon:
"Spoon".
Lt. Rooney:
What has occurred?
Related Links
*
