Oh, Mr. Porter! (1937)

Will Hay: William Porter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Postman : You're wasting your time.

  Porter : Well, what are you doing?

  Postman : Just watching you wasting your time.

• William Porter : Everything on this station is either too old or doesn't work. And you're both!

• Superintendent : It's a country station, rather off the beaten track.

  William Porter : Oh, I don't mind, as long as it's near the railway.

• William Porter : Albert. Who's Albert?

  Jeremiah Harbottle : He comes in for me when I'm not here.

  William Porter : Well, which is his clock?

  Jeremiah Harbottle : [Jerry puts William's clock on the mantelpiece]  He hasn't got a clock. He's still alive.

  William Porter : [snatching clock]  Hey, give me that back!

  Jeremiah Harbottle : What? Aren't you going to put it with the others?

  William Porter : What, amongst them? They're a lot of tombstones!

• [William Porter is wheel-tapping a train] 

  Managing director's wife : You may think me a little stupid, but why do they tap them?

  William Porter : Well, you see, madam, it's like this. If I tap the wheel with this hammer and the wheel goes clang, then I know that the wheel's there.

  Managing director : But supposing that the wheel doesn't go clang?

  William Porter : Well, then I know that the train's gone!

• First irate farmer : [confronting the station master about a cancelled train]  I've got a return to Dublin.

  Second irate farmer : And I've got a single to Belfast.

  Third irate farmer : And what am I going to do with my Cork?

  Porter : [Opens his mouth to reply but thinks better of it and says nothing] 

• William Porter : Well, I can't give you the exact number at the moment.

  [pauses to think] 

  William Porter : But in rough figures, I would say quite a lot.

• William Porter : [sniffs]  Is something burning somewhere?

  Jeremiah Harbottle : That would be Albert, cooking the breakfast.

  William Porter : Smells more like somebody cooking Albert.

• William Porter : [going into danger, reassuringly]  I'm behind yer.

  Jeremiah Harbottle : Do you want to go in front?

  William Porter : No, I can see all right from here.

• Signalman : [wanting to know if he can let a train through]  Can I stick me signals up?

  William Porter : Yes, if it'll give you any pleasure.

• Mr. Trimbletow : Ther's a place in Ireland called Buggleskelly.

  William Porter : That's nothing, there's a place in Wales called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

• William Porter : You should have come sooner!

  First irate farmer : I couldn't, my wife's had quinsy...

  William Porter : Like that woman in Canada?

• William Porter : What are all the decorations for?

  Jeremiah Harbottle : Relief of Mafeking!