A Night at the Opera (1935)
Chico Marx: Fiorello
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Quotes
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Otis B. Driftwood : It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
[Fiorello laughs loudly]
Fiorello : You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Claus!
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[Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Tomasso sleeping]
Otis B. Driftwood : That can't be my shirt, my shirt doesn't snore.
Fiorello : Shh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia, he's trying to sleep it off.
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Otis B. Driftwood : You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you?
Fiorello : Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it.
Otis B. Driftwood : Did you get anything for it?
Fiorello : Uh... dollar forty.
Otis B. Driftwood : That's my suit all right.
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[Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello]
Otis B. Driftwood : All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?
Fiorello : I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.
Fiorello : Well, that's-a why I didn't hear anything.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's why I didn't say anything.
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[Fiorello and Driftwood go over the first clause of their contract]
Otis B. Driftwood : Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello : No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood : What's the matter with it?
Fiorello : I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood : It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello : That sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello : Er... just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood : What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?
Fiorello : No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood : All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
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Otis B. Driftwood : Two beers, bartender!
Fiorello : I'll take two beers, too.
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Fiorello : [Disguised as one of the world's greatest aviators] So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started we got-a half way there when we run out a gasoline, and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we're just about to land, maybe three feet, when what do you think: we run out of gasoline again. And-a back-a we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a half way over, when what do you think happens: we forgot-a the airplane. So, we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a the great idea. We no take-a gasoline, we no take-a the airplane. We take steamship, and that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.
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[Fiorello and Driftwood go over the second clause of their contract]
Otis B. Driftwood : Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello : Well, I don't know about that...
Otis B. Driftwood : Now what's the matter?
Fiorello : I no like-a the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!
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Fiorello : What'll I say?
Otis B. Driftwood : Tell them you're not here.
Fiorello : Suppose they don't believe me?
Otis B. Driftwood : They'll believe you when you start talking.
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[in reference to Tomasso]
Otis B. Driftwood : Wouldn't it be simpler if you just had him stuffed?
Fiorello : He's no olive.
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Otis B. Driftwood : And eight pieces of French pasty.
Fiorello : With two hard-boiled eggs.
Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs.
[Tomasso honks his horn]
Otis B. Driftwood : Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
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Fiorello : How do you do?
Otis B. Driftwood : [resting his foot on Lassparri, who's been knocked out] Hello.
Fiorello : What's the matter, mister?
Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.
Fiorello : [raises a foot] Do you mind if I...?
Otis B. Driftwood : No no, go right ahead. Plenty of room.
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Otis B. Driftwood : Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello : Sure, those five kids up in Canada.
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Otis B. Driftwood : [talking about "the greatest tenor in the world"] Do you know America is waiting to hear him sing?
Fiorello : Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway.
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Otis B. Driftwood : Could he sail tomorrow?
Fiorello : You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.
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Otis B. Driftwood : Now, uh, here are the contracts. You just put his name at the top and, uh, you sign his name at the bottom.
Otis B. Driftwood : [Fiorello starts to read his copy of the contract] There's no need of you reading that, because these are duplicates.
Fiorello : [chuckles] Yeah, duplicates. Duplicates, eh?
Otis B. Driftwood : I say, they're duplicates.
Fiorello : Oh sure, is a duplicate.
Otis B. Driftwood : Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello : [Referring to the Dionne quintuplets] Sure, those five kids up in Canada.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I wouldn't know about that; I haven't been in Canada in years. Well, go ahead and read it.
Fiorello : What does it say?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, go on and read it.
Fiorello : All right, you read it to me.
Otis B. Driftwood : All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?
Fiorello : I haven't heard anything yet. You say anything?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.
Fiorello : Well, that's why I didn't hear anything.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's why I didn't say anything.
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Fiorello : Can you read?
Otis B. Driftwood : [holds the contract close to his face] I can read, but I can't see it.
Otis B. Driftwood : [holds the contract further away from his face] Don't seem to have it in focus here... If my arms were a little longer, I could read it. You haven't got a baboon in your pocket, have you? Here, here, here we are, now I've got it. Now pay particular attention to this first clause, because it's most important. It says:"The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello : No, that's no good.
Otis B. Driftwood : What's the matter with it?
Fiorello : I don't know. Let's hear it again.
Otis B. Driftwood : It says "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello : Well, it sounds a little better this time.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello : Well, just the first part.
Otis B. Driftwood : What do you mean, "The party of the first part"?
Fiorello : No: the first part of "the party of the first part".
Otis B. Driftwood : All right, it says: "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
Fiorello : [chuckles as Driftwood and Fiorello tear off part of the contract] Yeah, it's-a too long, anyhow. Now what do we got left?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I've got about a foot-and-a-half. Now it says here: "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello : Well, I don't know about that.
Otis B. Driftwood : Now what's the matter?
Fiorello : I no like-a the second party, either.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around 4:00 in the morning. I was blind for three days.
Fiorello : Hey look: Why can't the first part of the second party be the second part of the first party? Then you got something.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, look, uh... rather than go through all that again, what do you say?
Fiorello : Fine.
[Driftwood and Fiorello each tear out another section of the contract]
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Otis B. Driftwood : Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you?
Fiorello : It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.
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Fiorello : [Fiorello, Tomasso, and Ricardo has just finished a hearty Italian feast; to Tomasso] Well, Tomasso, you feel-a better now, eh?
[Tomasso gleefully nods his head]
Fiorello : [to Ricardo] And you, Ricardo, how do you feel?
Ricardo : After a meal like that? Great! Why, I could sing my head off.
Fiorello : Go ahead. Sing.
Ricardo : [singing] Cosi-Cosa. It's a wonderful word tra-la-la-la.
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Fiorello : [beginning a speech disguised as one of the aviators] Friends.
Otis B. Driftwood : Go fast. I can see a man with a rope out there.
Fiorello : How we happen to come to America is a great story, but I no tell that.
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Otis B. Driftwood : Two beers, bartender!
Fiorello : I'll take two beers, too.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, things seem to be getting better around the country.
Fiorello : I don't know, I'm a stranger here myself.
Otis B. Driftwood : Say, uh, I just remembered: I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you?
Fiorello : Is a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.
Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, I know, I know: the greatest tenor in the world, that's what I'm after.
Fiorello : Why, I'm his manager.
Otis B. Driftwood : Whose manager?
Fiorello : The greatest tenor in the world.
Otis B. Driftwood : The fellow that sings at the opera here?
Fiorello : Sure.
Otis B. Driftwood : What's his name?
Fiorello : What do you care? I can't pronounce it. What do you want with him?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, uh, I want to sign him up for the New York Opera Company. You know that America is waiting to hear him sing?
Fiorello : Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway. Could he sail tomorrow?
Fiorello : You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.
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Otis B. Driftwood : Could he sail tomorrow?
Fiorello : You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well I don't know.
Otis B. Driftwood : [to himself] Let's see, uh... $1,000 a night... I'm entitled to a small profit...
Otis B. Driftwood : How about $10 a night?
Fiorello : Ten? Ten dollars?
[Fiorello laughs]
Fiorello : I'll take it!
Otis B. Driftwood : All right, but remember, I get 10 percent for negotiating the deal.
Fiorello : Yes, and I get 10 percent for being the manager. How much does that leave?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that leaves him, uh... $8.00.
Fiorello : $8.00, eh? Well, he sends $5.00 home to his mother...
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that leaves $3.00.
Fiorello : Can he live in New York on $3.00?
Otis B. Driftwood : Like a prince. Of course, he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax.
Fiorello : Oh. income tax.
Otis B. Driftwood : Yes, you know, there's a federal tax and a state tax and a city tax... and a street tax and a sewer tax
Fiorello : How much does this come to?
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I figure if that he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.
Fiorello : All right, we take it.
Otis B. Driftwood : All right, fine.
[Driftwood and Fiorello shake hands]
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Otis B. Driftwood : Steward, steward! Stew!
Ship's Steward : Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood : I say, stew.
Ship's Steward : Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood : What have we got for dinner?
Ship's Steward : Anything you like, sir. You might have some tomato juice, orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice...
Otis B. Driftwood : Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted. Now let me have one of each... and uh, two fried eggs, two poached eggs, two scrambled eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.
Fiorello : [from inside the cabin room] And two hard-boiled eggs!
Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs.
[Tomasso honks his horn]
Otis B. Driftwood : Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, some roast beef, rare, medium, well done, and overdone.
Fiorello : [from the room] And two hard-boiled eggs.
Otis B. Driftwood : [Tomasso honks his horn again] Make that three hard-boiled eggs... and, uh, eight pieces of French pastry.
Fiorello : With two hard-boiled eggs.
Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs.
[Tomasso honks his horn again]
Otis B. Driftwood : Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
[Tomasso makes a short honk on his horn]
Otis B. Driftwood : And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?
Ship's Steward : Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, give them some black coffee, that'll sober them up.
Fiorello : And two hard-boiled eggs.
Otis B. Driftwood : And two hard-boiled eggs.
[Tomasso repeatedly honks his horn, imitating the Morse code]
Otis B. Driftwood : It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs. And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention will be over.
Ship's Steward : Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood : Do they allow tipping on the boat?
Ship's Steward : Oh, yes sir!
Otis B. Driftwood : Have you got two fives?
Ship's Steward : Yes, sir.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
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Fiorello : [Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo are sitting on a park bench; Fiorello pushes Driftwood off the bench] Now there's room.
Otis B. Driftwood : [sarcastically] Well, that's all I needed. I'm certainly glad I met you boys. First, you get me kicked out of my job, then you get me thrown out of my hotel, and finally you push me off a park bench. Well, there's one consolation: nothing more can happen to me.
Policeman : Hey, get off the grass.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, I was wrong.
Otis B. Driftwood : [Driftwood tries to drink from a water fountain, only to have the water shrink away at low pressure] People drink too much water, anyhow. I'm certainly glad you came along. The day you boys came into my life, I had a good job and was about to marry a rich widow. Now I can't even sit on the grass.
Fiorello : I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting here.
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, that's an offer. I tell you, I'd like to think it over for a couple of days. Where can I find you?
Fiorello : Don't worry. Wherever you are, you'll find us.
Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, I'm sick of that; let's meet somewhere else.
Ricardo : [Tomasso whistles when Rosa appears] It's Rosa!
Fiorello : Rosa!
Otis B. Driftwood : Well, at least I can get my bench back.
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Fiorello : Wait a minute. Before he sings, you gotta sign a contract. And I get 10 percent.
Otis B. Driftwood : And I get 10 percent too.
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Fiorello : I give this to Riccardo.
Herbert Gottlieb : [talking offstage with Mrs. Claypool] ... sensation in New York.
[meets Fiorello]
Herbert Gottlieb : Pardon me, could you tell me where Signor Lassparri is?
Fiorello : Sure, there's Lassparri,
Herbert Gottlieb : Lassparri!
Otis B. Driftwood : Lassparri? Then whom did I sign?
Fiorello : You signed Riccardo Baroni, that's-a my man.
Herbert Gottlieb : [Gottlieb wakes up Lassparri, who is unconscious] Signor Lassparri, what happened? Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb! Speak to me, it's me, it's Gottlieb!
Herbert Gottlieb : [Tomasso unties a sandbag, which drops on Lassparri's head and knocks him unconscious] Oh, what is this now?
Otis B. Driftwood : How early the fruit is falling this season.
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Herbert Gottlieb : [finds Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso and Ricardo lounging in his office] What does this mean?
Otis B. Driftwood : Aw, just the man I want to see. Guttlieb, these are the worst cigars I ever smoked.
Fiorello : Yes, and your ice isn't cold enough either.
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Fiorello : Is this the opera house?
Herbert Gottlieb : Arrest those men. And this one too!
[pushes Tomasso toward Fiorello and Driftwood]
Otis B. Driftwood : It's about time!
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Otis B. Driftwood : [hands Fiorello a pen to sign a contract] Just you put your name right down there, and the deal is legal.
Fiorello : I forgot to tell you: I can't write.
Otis B. Driftwood : [takes the pen back] Well, that's all right. There's no ink in the pen anyhow.
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Fiorello : Shhh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia. He's trying to sleep it off.
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Fiorello : What's the matter, mister?
Otis B. Driftwood : Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.
