- (The joke that got him fired from BBC Radio 2): "When England was a kingdom, we had a king. When we were an empire, we had an emperor. Now we're a country, and we have Margaret Thatcher."
- And remember, you don't have to watch this endless display of perversitude and fleshy bummery. You've all got a knob there - so use it!
- So this bus breaks down, and the driver gets out to try and fix it. The lady bus conductress gets out too, and says 'D'you want a screwdriver?' - and the driver replies 'Leave it out, I'm late enough already...'
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