The Not Quite Halloween Horror List of 2023
A new year, a new Halloween. Only, these didn't quite make it yet. To explain their rating a bit, if a movie is so bad that its on the verge of being painful, it would fall somewhere within the 1-3 range. The 4-6 range is for movies that are not good but still watchable to good movies that have left little long lasting impression. 7-10 are movies I enjoyed to love.
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- DirectorBrian De PalmaStarsMargot KidderJennifer SaltCharles DurningA small-time reporter tries to convince the police she saw a murder in the apartment across from hers.De Palma had an idea. This movie starts off really strong, the murder that starts everything comes as a massive shock and a tremendous injustice simply because, though we know him for such a short period of time, he is a genuinely likeable character. The music is top notch and the social commentary feels natural. The movie is enthralling as we start to learn how unhinged the killer and her accomplice are until, unfortunately, it just isn't anymore. Maybe there is too much of an explanation too early, but after a while, all the intrigue starts to wain and the plot begins to grow predictable yet overly convoluted. The ending doesn't even feel necessary as it seems to allude to things that are never going to happen. The first hour carries the movie to the goal line only for the last 33 minutes to fumble just shy of a touchdown.
- DirectorDavid CronenbergStarsChristopher WalkenBrooke AdamsTom SkerrittA man awakens from a coma to discover he has a psychic ability to foresee future events.I'm a bit in awe of this movie's positive reception as I found it heavily disjointed. The acting is great. Christopher Walken can be hokey but he delivers as Johnny and Martin Sheen is among the best chickenshit heels ever put on the big screen. The serial killer story line caught my attention when they first brought it up, but then they resolved it in the next breath. And then it became a bad political drama. I reiterate, Martin Sheen kills it as the politician running for the US senate, but the actual story seemed so unrelated it may as well have been a whole other movie. Which I would have preferred, more time for the drama of the serial killer story and then more of evil politician Martin Sheen. This had promise but is too condensed to be an hour and forty three minute movie.
- DirectorJulia DucournauStarsGarance MarillierElla RumpfRabah Nait OufellaA young woman, studying to be a vet, develops a craving for human flesh.I can't say I am a fan of this. I hate watching people eat. And in the first five minutes this movie I knew I was gonna have a hard time. Its not an incompetent movie. There is a great deal of artistry in the cinematography, though it may be too artsy to take the plot seriously. With the amount of shenanigans that the girls get into, there never seems to be any repercussions until the movie finally decides there needs to be. Its a movie with an audience in mind, but if you ain't in it you won't get anything out of it.
- DirectorClaire DenisStarsVincent GalloTricia VesseyBéatrice DalleTwo American newlyweds in Paris experience a love so strong, it almost devours them.I hate this more. I received a poster as a gift of the top 100 horror movies to which this was included. Why this is on it I cannot fathom. Its a fairly nonsensical movie that focuses heavily on its sexuality to satisfy horror fans. But it feels like nothing is ever happening. Its a film where nothing feels like its going anywhere. The griminess of the cinematography doesn't do anything but make the movie feel cheaper and the kill scenes are not enough to make you want to keep watching. Its the kind of movie where some of the more pretentious people will swear there is more to it but it is not worth testing their claims.
- DirectorKathryn BigelowStarsAdrian PasdarJenny WrightLance HenriksenA small-town farmer's son reluctantly joins a traveling group of vampires after he is bitten by a beautiful drifter.A movie I saw in parts but never in its entirety, its hard not to compare it to its contemporary vampire movies Fright night and The Lost Boys. The verdict, they're all very good. While I am a bigger fan of Fright Night, Near Dark has a more interesting genre mix that works pretty well. The Western and biker esthetics make the movie stand out more and the powerhouse line up of actors really put the movie over the top. But there are some conveniences similar to that of The Lost Boys, a cure for vampirism that feels a bit too easy once you stop and think about it. While The Lost Boys makes it a more dangerous procedure, killing the head vampire, Near Dark only required a far more mundane blood transfusion. But that is just a nitpick, the end result is a very well made modern vampire movie that is guaranteed to entertain.
- DirectorMark RobsonStarsKim HunterTom ConwayJean BrooksA woman in search of her missing sister uncovers a Satanic cult in New York's Greenwich Village and finds that they could have something to do with her sibling's random disappearance.This may be Val Lewton's sharpest produced movie but its not exactly his best. The ending is where the movie shines as its such a brutal nihilism that is well built up to. The rest of the movie is meandering however. The movie starts with the main girl's sister looking for her, but once they find her she kind of just falls out of the story which makes the first half feel like a waste. Her absence also ruined my enjoyment for a lot of the latter part of the movie as I was to busy wondering what happened to her. Its not by any means terrible, but of Val Lewton's excellent horror filmography, it might be the one I liked the least.
- DirectorTeruo IshiiStarsMeiko KajiHoki TokudaMakoto SatôThe head of a yakuza gang is being trailed by a mysterious, vengeful blind woman.I never expected to see as many dirty rear ends in a movie and still be pleased with it. This is a strange fusion of horror and crime film that leans a bit more to the latter but is still a pleasant watch. There aren't so much tense scenes of terror or menace in this honor among thieves story but still some foreboding. The cat serves as a constant reminder of death that is not lost on the lead who believes that she is going to die and does have some good scenes where it laps up blood. This was the third in a trilogy of yakuza films but it does well to fill you in on key people without dragging the plot down for people like myself just jumping in. And the comedy like the smelly gangster in the loincloth isn't half bad. I got a good chuckle seeing his butt cheeks quiver at being complemented by a woman. While its ties as a horror film are tenuous, this may be a good movie for anyone interested in yakuza films.
- DirectorChristophe GansStarsSamuel Le BihanMark DacascosJérémie RenierIn 18th-century France, the Chevalier de Fronsac and his Native American friend Mani are sent to the Gevaudan province at the king's behest to investigate the killings of hundreds by a mysterious beast.I really liked a lot about this movie. The costumes, the scenery, the camera work, the practical effects, there is a lot that needs to be recognized. But I can't say that it is a great movie. The CGI hasn't aged well, which is a shame as the Hensen Company did such great work on the practical effects. But what is a bigger problem is the pacing. I was ready for it to end an hour in. And the movie primed me for the ending an hour in. And then I discovered there was still an hour to go and they had more story to flesh out. And by the time they finally do wrap it up, all the emotion that they had built at the halfway point is lost. The final battle was underwhelming not because the pan never heated up but because they let the iron cool. Had they worked that last hour better, moved the sacrificial lamb scene later and gave the exposition dump before it, this movie would have been an instant must see. Now, its just a good movie.
- DirectorGerard JohnstoneStarsAllison WilliamsViolet McGrawRonny ChiengA robotics engineer at a toy company builds a life-like doll that begins to take on a life of its own.A killer doll movie that is better than Chucky. No, not that Chucky, the other one. The movie's acting and writing is pretty top notch. The movie has its emotional scenes, its tense scenes, and its unfunny scenes that I will go into later. I was especially impressed with M3GAN's physical actress who really sold being an android well. She teeters on the uncanny valley of being realistic but not quite human very well. But then there is the comedy. LOL, so random moments galore devoid of any reason but to subvert your expectations and rip all the tension out of the movie. And the kill count is pitiful, especially when they spare characters that should have died to appease audiences that would feel something otherwise. Also, I did come to notice that for a child who lost both her parents, we only see the mother's death as someone who is apparently completely unrelated to either of them, a complete stranger to the little girl, gets into a horrific fatal car accident. I guess her father died before she was born as she has no memories of him. I can't say its as good as a lot of people found it, but its decent. You can still do a lot worse.
- DirectorZach CreggerStarsGeorgina CampbellBill SkarsgårdJustin LongA woman staying at an Airbnb discovers that the house she has rented is not what it seems.This is two movies combined in one. The first is a slightly flawed but good enough psychological thriller with a creepy nice guy and a questionably street smart young woman. The other is a rather forgettable creature feature that doesn't go far enough. Keith is easily the best part of the movie. He seems fake, like his niceness is all an act. Even when its confirmed he is a good guy, there is something about him like you want to keep an eye on him. AJ on the other hand is the other extreme. He is a character that required ambiguity. If the audience wasn't sure if the charges about him were true, his actions at the end of the movie would have far more impact. But they don't and he is exactly as he looks which proves massively disappointing. The creature does its best but there is a lot of cartoon logic that hinders it from being too fantastic. And its history, if they were going to explore it they needed to go a lot further than they did. I mean you would have to see some real messed up stuff to really sell it. Just like the movie, I feel I need to split this movie down the middle.
- DirectorWillard HuyckGloria KatzStarsMichael GreerMarianna HillJoy BangA young woman goes searching for her missing artist father. Her journey takes her to a strange Californian seaside town governed by a mysterious undead cult.It is astounding this movie is so well renown with amazing scenes all the while using the worst cast of actors to ever fall off a turnip truck. Marianna Hill is alright and Michael Greer wasn't terrible either, but the rest of the cast can not pull off a death scene if you put a gun to their head. Getting ripped apart by crazed undead cultists has the same weight as being mildly miffed someone ate the last slice of banana bread. But the movie is still very good. A lot of it has to do with the extras, none of whom are actors nor do they try to act, but have an undeniable creepiness with how they show no emotion. The scene in the theater exemplifies this the best, as one by one they start to fill the seats and just sit there, not quite watching the movie but staring blankly ahead with dead eyes and no expression. They are legitimately frightening in spite of the simplicity of their makeup. This was a very good outing that was unfortunately tied down with a couple lead weights around its neck.
- DirectorDavid CronenbergStarsOliver ReedSamantha EggarArt HindleA man tries to uncover an unconventional psychologist's therapy techniques on his institutionalized wife, amidst a series of brutal murders.I can't say this is my favorite Cronenberg film, long live the new flesh, but there is some real good stuff here. Talking to lawyers, there are no good people in family court and this movie well represents the anger, hatred, and even the malice that goes on between these two people that supposedly once loved each other. In the end, it isn't even about the child anymore, its just the desire to hurt the other in the end. This is the pain that Cronenberg felt and he represents it very well. The creature effects are simple and sweet, often the monsters are shot to hide them as children but when you do see their malformed face it remains fresh because of their long absences. And the birth scene at the end, its so primal and uncivilized that it encapsulates the raw emotions going on. its well worth the watch.
- DirectorJuan López MoctezumaStarsClaudio BrookDavid SilvaTina RomeroAfter the death of her parents, a young girl arrives at a convent and brings a sinister presence with her. Is it her enigmatic imaginary friend, Alucarda, who is to blame? Or is there a satanic force at work?Forget acting for the people in the back, this is for the people in the neighboring county. Alucarda feels like it was made for the stage. The sets are really interesting but still rather sparse. The church is a big mass of crucifixes and candles, and not much else. Furthermore, the acting is as extravagant as the WWE. A lot of yelling, a lot of emoting, very little sense. This is entertaining enough, but there are still some standout moments. Alucarda can really fold herself up. Arching her back like the cover of that exorcism movie and its sequel, she does a decent amount of leg work to make the movie as good as it is. It has moments where it underwhelms, one girl dies of little more than paper cuts, at times the characters are a little too manic, but the end result still manages to be very good.
- DirectorAndrzej ZulawskiStarsIsabelle AdjaniSam NeillMargit CarstensenA woman starts exhibiting increasingly disturbing behavior after asking her husband for a divorce. Suspicions of infidelity soon give way to something much more sinister.This was an amazing watch just to see the cast work their asses off, and then it takes a turn and becomes even better. The censors did this movie dirty, even at its two hour run time there is nothing here to cut away. The creature effects are superb, its a horrendous to look at sex demon that never looks cheap. And the atmosphere of a crumbling relationship on the verge of total mutual destruction ties in perfectly with the divided Germany of the cold war. There are so many layers to the film, explaining it with any depth would be a treatise in itself. Get Shudder and watch this movie, it deserves it.
- DirectorKyle Edward BallStarsLucas PaulDali Rose TetreaultRoss PaulTwo children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing, and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished.A controversial movie to the say the least, its certainly not for everyone. Its told in the manner of analogue horror, much of it is footage of the furniture if not a wall. Or shadow. And the dialogue is sparse, which is good as they are 4 year old children doing the leg work. And that pays off in itself, especially since they are so young I don't want them to see any harm. And it hurts more when it does. But the avantgarde story is going to turn a lot of people off. What little dialogue there is is slow, filling time with long, pregnant pauses that will try the patience of someone not looking for an experimental film. But if you let it, it will draw you in. But there is the question of is it scary. And the answer is kind of. It was made to feed off of past trauma, like being left alone in a dark house at a young age, which means if you have little to feed it the less teeth it has. If you are in the mood for something engaging and meticulous this will be a fine watch but by no mean is it a popcorn flick.
- DirectorElizabeth BanksStarsKeri RussellAlden EhrenreichO'Shea Jackson Jr.An oddball group of cops, criminals, tourists and teens converge on a Georgia forest where a huge black bear goes on a murderous rampage after unintentionally ingesting cocaine.Part of me thought this was going to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen. the other part of me was hoping it was right. But a boy seldom lives up to a father's expectations. It isn't to say this is a good film, its just very safe for its premise. While the drug story and all the characters that make it up are very entertaining, they felt the need for a child rescue plot that generally is a big step down. They just aren't as fun and the children's bits get old pretty fast. The rest of the cast is pretty great though, and the transition from horror to comedy is pretty well balanced. After seeing the bear maul a man to death, the next scene its almost playfully rocking back and forth before going full psycho once again. If they went all in on the drug lord trying to get his lost cargo while the police are on his trail and turned it into a parody of the crime drama, this movie would have been perfect. As it is, its not a movie I need for my collection but one that I would gladly watch.
- DirectorTony ScottStarsCatherine DeneuveDavid BowieSusan SarandonA love triangle develops between a beautiful yet dangerous vampire (Catherine Deneuve), her cellist companion (David Bowie), and a gerontologist (Susan Sarandon).Its a gorgeous movie, that can never be taken away from it. The use of light and silhouettes, practical special effects, and tasteful shots of David Bowie's bum make this a movie you will not forget. But for all the visual excellence, the story does not hold up. A lot of the story feels disjointed, particularly when it gets to the end. Things happen that don't relate to each other nor have any long lasting meaningful impact. They seduction process is inconsistent, with one girl needing to be groomed and another seemingly needing only to be asked. But for artsy movies, you can still find ones far more pretentious and I'd say its pretty good.
- DirectorBill GunnStarsDuane JonesMarlene ClarkBill GunnAfter being stabbed with an ancient, germ-infested knife, a doctor's assistant finds himself with an insatiable desire for blood.This movie is harmed grossly from its technical failings. It has some ideas, the fact that the vampirism is treated almost as an illness is pretty interesting. Problems arise when the cast doesn't really pull it off as well as it should. The leads do well, but its the supporting cast that hurt it. When they are given time to fill, their dialogue comes across as inane drivel or is delivered flatter than a high school student's oral presentation on Of Mice And Men. But its the sound mixing that is the biggest issue. The background music and background conversations are just as loud as the actual dialogue in the script, or even louder. The microphone peaks every time the tribal song plays and it actually hurts after a while to listen to. With how ambitious the movie is, its a shame that its own limitations drag it down so far.
- DirectorLars von TrierStarsWillem DafoeCharlotte GainsbourgStorm Acheche SahlstrømA grieving couple retreat to their cabin in the woods, hoping to repair their broken hearts and troubled marriage, but nature takes its course and things go from bad to worse.As a couple have sex, a child checks out the window. Which is what I want to do after seeing William Dafoe having sex. Jokes aside, this isn't a movie for me. There are some messed up scenes of mutilation that even I cringe at the sight of. And it is depicted in a way to really emphasize it. Seeing her mutilate her genitals sticks with you in a chilling way. But the movie is still very much an arthouse movie. The presentation of this movie can be described as pretentious, breaking the movie into acts that tie into its theme as though they think the audience is too stupid to understand them otherwise. Then there is the use of black and white and classical music takes away from the horror of the kid's death. it makes the scene even more fantastical with the slow motion. Had this movie come out five years later, I am sure A24 would be publishing it, and that can be taken however you wish.
- DirectorJack ClaytonStarsDeborah KerrPeter WyngardeMegs JenkinsA young governess for two children becomes convinced that the house and grounds are haunted.I kind of hate The Turn of the Screw. Its not this movie's fault, that BBC movie I watched a while back really soured me on the story. But there is a lot more to enjoy with this ione. The acting, scenery, costumes, and lighting all come together to paint a beautiful façade for its psychological terror. Then when it needs to, it draws the veil back to reveal the dark underbelly of the opulent mansion with shadow. The movie never feels like it drags but the ghostly effects aren't as effective as they used to be. The gliding platform trick leaves the ghost looking very stiff, unnatural but not threatening. But its not about scaring you, the movie focuses more on putting you in a constant state of unease, not knowing if the ghosts are real or not. Except when they confirm that they are. Its a great old movie for people that are looking for a slow burn, this is the best version of a classic gothic horror story.
- DirectorRoman PolanskiStarsCatherine DeneuveIan HendryJohn FraserA sex-repulsed woman who disapproves of her sister's boyfriend sinks into depression and has horrific visions of rape and violence.I was told this movie was reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock but all I see is why there was no one like Hitchcock. I see what the movie is going for with very simple but effective metaphors, but the artsy way the movie was shot simply doesn't lend itself to the horror genre well. When the camera focuses on the killer, it doesn't look like a murder and more like a weirdo swiping at the camera. She looks clumsy the longer she is on screen and never reaches the effectiveness of Psycho's shower scene. The vagueness of the ending is a nice touch, never quite saying what was the cause of her problems but giving a pretty good hint. But I'm no fan of Roman Polanski in general.
- DirectorRobert SiodmakStarsDorothy McGuireGeorge BrentEthel BarrymoreIn 1916, a shadowy serial killer is targeting women with "afflictions"; one night during a thunderstorm, the mute Helen feels menaced.A classic that may not hit as hard as it used to, but only because its been emulated so many times. I guessed the killer immediately. The moment he was on screen, I just said that's him, everything else is a red herring. That really did hurt my enjoyment of the movie, but its also a testament of how good the motive is that I've seen it so many times. And this is kind of the problem of everything that this movie does well has. When you see the killer's eye or hands and can't quite place him with the cast, this is a staple in Giallo films. Its still good, just not as impactful. Its a great movie for people that are interested in how a lot of these ideas originate though, and a great movie for people that aren't so hardcore into the genre as myself.
- DirectorJulian RoffmanStarsPaul StevensClaudette NevinsBill WalkerA young archaeologist thinks he is cursed by an Aztec mask that makes him have strange nightmares. Before committing suicide, he sends the mask to his psychiatrist, who soon plunges into the mask's nightmarish world.I watched this on the new MST3K and its not the best way. Joel, you're a nice guy but you need to pull the reigns and shut the cast up for five seconds. Not every joke has to be used. This wasn't really that bad a movie though. Not a masterpiece but far from devil Fish or Manos. The skull mask looks a bit overproduced and hokey, but the dream sequences are pretty alright. The setting may not look fancy or expensive, but the costumes and masks are very good. The masks especially are quite effective, making the characters look so otherworldly. They are blended pretty well, making their faces look plastic and pushes them deeper into the uncanny valley to make them unsettling. The eyes are sunken and the expression empty, they look genuinely unsettling. The acting doesn't necessarily stand out but it works well enough. This was a movie I thought I might not be able to track down as its a bit obscure but it was alright.
- DirectorRobin HardyStarsEdward WoodwardChristopher LeeDiane CilentoA puritan police sergeant arrives in a Scottish island village in search of a missing girl, who the pagan locals claim never existed.This movie is interesting as there is no doom or gloom about it. There are no dark shadows or oppressive atmosphere. In fact, it often breaks out into jubilant nursery rhymes and raunhy pub songs. The only thing that causes you to feel unease, is that they simply lie. You know they are lying, the officer knows they are lying, yet they persist with such glee that you want to know what is beneath this joyous facade. Unfortunately, you already know what it is. This movie is a victim of its own popularity and everyone knows how this movie ends even without having watched it. Its a shame, if it were more of a secret this movie would be even better.
- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsAdrienne BarbeauJamie Lee CurtisJanet LeighAn unearthly fog rolls into a small coastal town exactly 100 years after a ship mysteriously sank in its waters.Blood would have been nice. I am no stranger to this movie, I remember watching the remake many years ago. And it was awful. Finally watching the original, while I can't entirely shake the disappointment of the remake, its is a far better experience. The cast is great, Jamie Lee Curtis and Adrianne Barbeaux are always winners. But it still needs a little something to make it great. The kills are nearly brutal with people getting run through with swords and hooks, but just a little blood really would have made them truly memorable. Dan's spotless white sweater seems a waste.