The worst movies of all time
Terrible, awful, no good, very bad movies.
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- DirectorMichael SarneStarsMae WestJohn HustonRaquel WelchAfter undergoing gender reassignment surgery, an aspiring actress travels to Hollywood, where she also wants to make a claim on her wealthy uncle's estate."Myra Breckinridge" isn't just the worst movie I've ever seen - it's the worst movie that ANYONE has ever seen. It makes no sense. It's full of ugly racial and sexual stereotypes. The script punishes the actors, taking especially sick pleasure in humiliating Mae West as an aging sexpot. Raquel Welch RAPES SOMEONE. It's a sex comedy that isn't sexy or funny and an "experiment" that fails on every level.
- DirectorElizabeth BanksSteven BrillSteve CarrStarsEmma StoneStephen MerchantRichard GereA series of interconnected short films follows a washed-up producer as he pitches insane story lines featuring some of the biggest stars in Hollywood."Movie 43" is a sadistic schoolyard bully of a film. It's not that it laughs at rather than with the audience - it actually hates the audience and wants them to suffer. This series of sketches wallows in sheer ugliness - from necrophilia to a cartoon cat sodomizing itself - and takes talented actors like Kate Winslet and Terrence Howard down with it. And through it all, it laughs cruelly as it wastes your time and crushes your dreams.
- DirectorSean AndersStarsAdam SandlerAndy SambergLeighton MeesterWhile in his teens, Donny fathered a son, Todd, and raised him as a single parent until Todd's 18th birthday. Now Donny resurfaces just before Todd's wedding after years apart, sending the groom-to-be's world crashing down."That's My Boy" thinks that incest and parental neglect are funny, and that child molestation is okay as long as a hot chick is committing it. It makes Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg, who can be funny and lovable when they want to be, look like a couple of douchebags. It reminds us that Vanilla Ice exists, something we would all prefer to forget. If this movie was a person, I would punch it in the face.
- DirectorDennis DuganStarsAdam SandlerKatie HolmesAl PacinoFamily guy, Jack Sadelstein, prepares for the annual event he always dreads--the Thanksgiving visit of his fraternal twin sister, the needy, and passive-aggressive Jill, who then refuses to leave.Why, Al Pacino, why? Why did you allow yourself to get involved with such a train wreck of a movie? Why in the name of sweet bleeding Jesus did you, the world's greatest living actor, agree to be seen rapping about Dunkin' Donuts coffee and hitting on Adam Sandler in drag? Why did you, the man who played Michael Corleone and Tony Montana, allow yourself to be filmed slap-fighting Rob Schneider? Did you lose a bet?
- DirectorTom ShadyacStarsRobin WilliamsDaniel LondonMonica PotterThe true story of a heroic man, Hunter "Patch" Adams, determined to become a medical doctor because he enjoys helping people. He ventured where no doctor had ventured before, using humour and pathos.Robin Williams followed "Good Will Hunting" with this inexcusably sappy "comedy" about a doctor who heals with laughter (without once demonstrating that he knows anything about medicine). This dreck features Williams and fellow too-soon-departed acting genius Philip Seymour Hoffman giving the worst performances of their careers. Out of respect for their memory, we should just pretend this movie didn't happen.
- DirectorGus Van SantStarsVince VaughnAnne HecheJulianne MooreA young female embezzler arrives at the Bates Motel, which has terrible secrets of its own.Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" is a masterpiece of suspense; Gus Van Sant's pointless remake is a trash fire of boredom and bad acting. Particularly offensive is Vince Vaughn's vapid, giggly performance as Norman Bates; he turns one of the greatest movie villains ever into Ned Flanders. For shame, sir.
- DirectorLana WachowskiLilly WachowskiStarsKeanu ReevesLaurence FishburneCarrie-Anne MossThe human city of Zion defends itself against the massive invasion of the machines as Neo fights to end the war at another front while also opposing the rogue Agent Smith.If you can follow the plot of "The Matrix Revolutions", I'll buy you a beer. I will then buy several for myself, because I'm going to need them to get through this incomprehensible mess of a film. It makes no sense, has none of the original "Matrix"'s energy, and takes itself far too seriously. Instead of slow-motion fight scenes, we get German philosophy, and a lame plot twist in which Neo is Jesus, or something.
- DirectorJim AbrahamsStarsJay MohrChristina ApplegateLloyd BridgesTakeoff on the Godfather with the son of a mafia king taking over for his dying fatherEver had stitches removed without anesthetic? I have, and it was funnier than "Jane Austen's Mafia!". This witless parody of "The Godfather" is actually depressing to watch, even more so when you realize that it was made by the same folks who made "Airplane!". I know everyone has bad days, but damn, there's not one good joke in this whole movie. Not. One.
- DirectorIce CubeStarsLisaRaye McCoyDick Anthony WilliamsJudyann ElderA woman must contend with rival strippers and her boss in an attempt to make a legitimate living.Girl starts working as a stripper. Girl meets every black and female stereotype there is. Girl meets a nice guy. Girl stops stripping. The end. There, I just saved you two hours of misogyny, minstrel show-style internalized racism, and embarrassing performances from Jamie Foxx and the late, great Bernie Mac. You're welcome.
- DirectorTom GreenStarsTom GreenRip TornMarisa CoughlanAn unemployed cartoonist moves back in with his parents and younger brother Freddy. When his parents demand he leave, he begins to spread rumors that his father is sexually abusing Freddy.Tom Green has spent his entire career trying to be Andy Kaufman. With this turkey, he succeeds only in being the poor man's Beavis and Butthead. Where Kaufman broke taboos and challenged his audience, Green acts like an obnoxious five-year-old on an airplane who keeps kicking the back of your seat. There's nothing challenging or innovative about a gross, angry comedy that attacks and harasses its audience.
- DirectorVincent GalloStarsVincent GalloChloë SevignyCheryl TiegsProfessional motorcycle racer Bud Clay heads from New Hampshire to California to race again. Along the way he meets various needy women who provide him with the cure to his own loneliness, but only a certain woman from his past will truly satisfy him."The Brown Bunny" is a plotless, pointless imitation of an art movie that consists of Vincent Gallo driving around for a really long time, buying the titular rabbit, driving around some more, and then getting a very unsexy blow job from Chloe Sevigny. Seriously, that's it. That's all that happens. This movie is contemptibly arrogant in the way it wastes the audience's time, and then expects - nay, demands - applause.
- DirectorMark WatersStarsMatthew McConaugheyJennifer GarnerEmma StoneWhile attending his brother's wedding, a serial womanizer is haunted by the ghosts of his past girlfriends.The worst of Matthew McConoughey's bad movies. This flat, unfunny reworking of "A Christmas Carol" has a ladies man being haunted by the women he's done wrong, and learning a valuable lesson about... oh, who the hell cares? The makers of this movie owe everyone who paid to see it their money back and a sincere apology. When McConoughey is good, he's very, very good, but when he was bad he made this.
- DirectorDennie GordonStarsDavid SpadeBrittany DanielDennis MillerAfter being abandoned by his parents at the Grand Canyon, Joe Dirt tells the story of his journey to find his parents."Joe Dirt" is like a smell that's so bad you can actually taste it. It's stupid, gross and tacky, to the point that its crowning comic achievement is covering David Spade (playing a one-note caricature of a redneck) in excrement, a perfect comment on his post-Chris Farley career. Perhaps its biggest sin, however, is dragging Christopher Walken down with it. He deserves better, and so do we.
- DirectorJoe CharbanicStarsJames SpaderKeanu ReevesMarisa TomeiDavid Allen Griffin is a cool killer- time and time again, he chooses a female victim, studies her for weeks till he knows her routine to the smallest detail, makes meticulous preparations using his forensic knowledge to gain entry when she's quite alone, subdues her and administers a long, torturous death. Joel Campbell got so frustrated by his failure to capture Griffin in Los Angeles, that he quit the FBI, moved to Chicago, and remains in psychiatric therapy, unable to function normally. Then he realizes, when opening his mail very late, that a new murder victim is Griffin's, and the killer sent him pictures of her. Campbell reports this to the police, but is unwilling to join them in the search, suggesting Griffin is too slick and clever; yet he won't get out of it that easily.I feel shame - deep, painful, lasting shame - for paying to see this idiotic "thriller" about a serial killer who murders women while dancing in slow motion to Rob Zombie. It has everything wrong with it: it looks like it was filmed in the director's basement; the script, so-called, is piled high with cliches; and all I can say about the acting is that Keanu Reeves - KEANU REEVES - gives the best performance.
- DirectorRupert SandersStarsKristen StewartChris HemsworthCharlize TheronIn a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.The makers of this grotty reimagining of "Snow White" should beg forgiveness of the audience and the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney. It's a joyless exercise in grime and blood for its own sake, with Kristen Stewart (as Snow White) giving her usual non-performance, and Charlize Theron (as the Wicked Queen) yelling a lot. And while there are seven dwarves, they all look too miserable and embarrassed to whistle while they work their way through this garbage.
- DirectorWilliam FriedkinStarsAl PacinoPaul SorvinoKaren AllenA police officer goes undercover in the underground S&M gay subculture of New York City to catch a serial killer who is preying on gay men."Cruising" takes very seriously the baseless, bigoted fear that exposure to the "homosexual lifestyle" will turn you gay. Then it goes one further - gay cooties will turn you into a serial killer! "Cruising"'s depiction of gay men is offensive and ridiculous, with sweaty leather clubs, BDSM as courtship, and other stereotypes that exist only in Rick Santorum's nightmares.
- DirectorRobert IscoveStarsFreddie Prinze Jr.Claire ForlaniBrendon Ryan BarrettA friendship is put to the ultimate test when two best friends wind up in bed together.In this brain dead, by-the-numbers romantic comedy, we are asked to believe that two ridiculously attractive people can't get a date, that they can spend all their time together without feeling so much as a tremble in their loins, and that only their pain-in-the-ass best friends can help them realize they are perfect for each other. "Boys and Girls" thinks we're pretty stupid, and yet we're five steps ahead of it the whole time.
- DirectorJohn WatersStarsMelanie GriffithStephen DorffAlicia WittAn insane independent film director and his renegade group of teenage filmmakers kidnap an A-list Hollywood actress and force her to star in their underground film."Cecil B. DeMented" is the kind of movie that John Waters used to make fun of - a heavy-handed "satire" that whines about Hollywood's lack of creativity while it coasts on potty humor and lame actor jokes. Waters also used to make fun of people who take themselves too seriously, but here he jumps on a soap-box and keeps preaching long after everyone has left the theatre, wanting their money back.
- DirectorMark ChristopherStarsRyan PhillippeSalma HayekNeve CampbellThe famous 1970s New York City nightclub seen and told through the eyes of a young employee.Like "Showgirls" without the nudity. This poor man's After School Special about the rise and fall of Studio 54 is trite and predictable: if you can't tell how it's going to end within the first five minutes, you may in fact be an idiot. Mike Meyers is decent as the club's pansexual founder, Steve Rubell, but the rest of the cast - who couldn't help but go on to better things - looks lost. This movie is no fun, all hang-over.
- DirectorGeorge LucasStarsHayden ChristensenNatalie PortmanEwan McGregorTen years after initially meeting, Anakin Skywalker shares a forbidden romance with Padmé Amidala, while Obi-Wan Kenobi discovers a secret clone army crafted for the Jedi.Say what you want about "The Phantom Menace", at least it had a cool lightsaber battle. All "Attack of the Clones" offers us is the long, slow story of Darth Vader's awkward teenager phase. Hayden Christensen pouts and whines his way through a death march of a movie that's light years away from the childlike fun of the original films. You know a movie stinks when not even Christopher Lee as the villain can save it.
- DirectorAaron SeltzerJason FriedbergStarsAlyson HanniganAdam CampbellFred WillardSpoof of romantic comedies which focuses on a man, his crush, his parents, and her father.The parody genre at its worst. "Date Movie" spends 83 agonizing minutes making lame jokes about better movies. It's like a party-crasher who sulks in the corner, mumbling snide comments about people who were actually invited. The wealth of potty humor might entertain a toddler for five seconds, and the celebrity parodies are stale, unless you've never heard a joke about Regis Philbin or J. Lo's butt.
- DirectorWoody AllenStarsWill FerrellVinessa ShawChiwetel EjioforTwo alternating stories, one comedy and the other tragedy, about Melinda's attempts to straighten out her life.Woody Allen's worst movie tells the same story as a drama that isn't interesting and a comedy that isn't funny. There's no trace of Allen's signature wit in this flop about a bunch of pretentious twits who say things like "She's post-modern in bed" and "You really know your Stravinsky!". Allen's great films, like "Annie Hall", inspire me to write. "Melinda and Melinda" makes me despair for the future of the craft.
- DirectorDamon SantostefanoStarsNeve CampbellMatthew PerryDylan McDermottA rich businessman's assumption that his new colleague is gay leads him to ask the man to keep an eye on his mistress. However, the man is not gay--and he begins to fall for the woman himself.A bad gay joke stretched out to feature length. The story of a guy who learns that the girl he likes thinks he bats for the other team is full of lazy writing and offensive stereotypes. At its heart is the repugnant idea that being mistaken for gay is a humiliating insult to one's manhood. It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic - and if it was actually, you know, funny.
- DirectorJohn GlenStarsRoger MooreMaud AdamsLouis JourdanA fake Fabergé egg recovered from the body of a fellow agent leads James Bond to uncover a jewel smuggling operation led by the mysterious Octopussy, and a plot to blow up a NATO air base.During the climax of the worst movie in the James Bond series, 007 dresses up as a rodeo clown to defuse a bomb. It's a perfect metaphor for the way "Octopussy" trashes the Bond legacy. Roger Moore looks as if he knows he's too old for the part and is just showing up for a check. Tired stunts, mystifying plot, flat acting... it's all here, and it's all terrible.
- DirectorNeil LaButeStarsNicolas CageEllen BurstynLeelee SobieskiA sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community."NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!"