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Reviews
Brace for Impact (2016)
Yes, it's like watching a plane crash
This film is so bad and on so many levels it's hard to find a place to start. Okay, so we have a crash investigator who's afraid of flying. Yes, that's deeply ironic. Her brother dies on the plane that she bolted off of in a panic attack, her mother is dealing with both the loss of her son and the miraculous sparing of her daughter. Anybody in these situations would be numb for months just trying to process all of this, but not these two women. Through a combination of bad writing and bad directing, we fast-track past the five stages of grief and submerge ourselves into the investigation by a disgraced former employee of the (wait for it) "National Air Crash Board". Seriously?
The real investigators of the NACB are too incompetent or wrapped up in politics to see the evidence that their former colleague screams at them, so it's up to our maverick heroine to bust the case wide open. Of course there's the obligatory Muslim investigator who spends a lot of suspicious time at his mosque; no red herrings here. She has her suspicions of who the culprit is early on in the story, and without any attempt at plot twists or misdirection, turns out to right in a ridiculous and unsatisfying ending.
I watched this through to the end because it became a study of bad storytelling. With so many good offerings available to us these days, do yourself a favour, skip past this one, and trust the trending titles on Netflix.
Christopher Columbus: The Discovery (1992)
The second-worst film of the modern era
My website, theflickguy.org, lists this pick as one of the worst films of all time, here is an excerpt:
"What do you look for in a bad Movie? Lame script? Laughable casting? Crappy acting? CC has it all. George Corraface (who?) is the revisioned Chris, now a swashbuckling, knife wielding Errol Flynn kinda hero. Apparently, Chris not only discovered America, he also invented the mullet. Tom Sellick gets the Sophie Coppola Casting Award for his role as King Ferdenand (nice pageboy 'do, Tom). This film isn't even worth seeing for the topless natives scenes, where the gods apparently bestow generous breasts only upon the Chief's daughter."
Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam (1985)
The worst movie of all time
My website (www.theflickguy.org) lists this pick as the worst movie of all time. Here is an excerpt:
"If I were strapped down to a chair and forced to watch this movie over and over again, I couldn't imagine Hell being any worse. Jim Varney plays a three-handed crazy guy bent on destroying the world (apparently starting with cinema). Now let's face it, no one expects a whole lot from a Varney movie, but this agonizing drivel had me dry-heaving for 92 minutes. Not a laugh. Not one. This is not kamp or gitchy, this is not even mindless. It is evil. Do not rent this, it may destroy your DVD player. Do not even buy the VHS from a 29-cent clearance bin to use as a blank tape. It is the worst film of all time. Period. I mean it. Really."
Michael (1996)
#5 on my top ten worst film list
My website (theflickguy.org) lists "Michael" as one of the worst films of the modern era. The following is an excerpt:
"Everyone slums some time in their lives, this was Travolta's turn. I still don't know what the point of this terrible film was. Nora Efron has proved to be a competent writer and director, so what the hell happened here? The Archangel Michael takes a new spin here and is portrayed as a ham-fisted, chain-smoking sugar addicted fornicating slob whose biggest contribution to humanity (after sending Lucifer to hell) was that he invented "standing in line". Yes, how funny and charming. I don't find this offensive, I find it stupid. In its defense, I can say that the ending was ever bit unsatisfying as the rest of this painful attempt at story telling."
Pontiac Moon (1994)
108 minutes of agony
One of the worst films of the modern age. Ted Danson's own production company picked Ted for the lead in this saccharine-fest. Producer, heal thyself. Ted plays a goofball car-collecting school teacher who flails his cane around like he's Scrooge McDuck. His wife (Mary Steenburgen) is a housebound agoraphobic who ironically has an aversion to cars (gosh, I wonder if this will creep into the story?) He wants to turn his Pontiac's odometer to the magic number at the same time Apollo 11 lands on the moon (having traveled the same number of miles). Good idea, but only if it means driving it off a cliff. Bad, bad acting by Danson, a stupid plot, this is not worth sneaking into for free.
Please visit my website for more of my top-ten best and worst films at http://www.theflickguy.org
Cheers!
The Flick Guy