Jon Torino Reviews

Unbreakable (2000)

Booooring!

[25 June 2001]

Well, this was a snoozer. I can tell a movie is a snoozer when I find a lull in the film and find myself in the kitchen too often. Something needed to push this movie along and it was action. You don't get to see the train crash, it just happens. You find yourself trying to figure out why a perfectly intelligent man can't figure out what's going on in his life. You mean to say this guy goes through life into his (I assume) late 30's and he has no idea he was never sick?

As a follow-up to "Sixth Sense" it comes no where near the cleverness and "sit in your chair" interest. I remember being entirely shocked with "Sixth Sense" and here the ending was easy to foresee.

I recommend you pass this one. Go view a classic like "Dial M for Murder" "Night of the Hunter" or "Wait until Dark" and you'll enjoy yourself much more.

Zorro (1990–1993)

Nice production, well done

[18 April 2001]

I found this movie and another at our public SF library and was happy to see them. This movie is entitled "Zorro, The Legend Begins" and offers Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. (Stephanie Zimbalist of Remington Steel fame is his daughter) as Zorro's father. The one difference in this telling of Zorro is his younger deaf mute companion.

The film starts off with Don Diego (Zorro) as a young man sent from his father's prosperous ranch in a small Mexican village to a bigger city to broaden his education and to train with a famous swordsman. Diego returns many years later, his little deaf mute playmate has grown up as has the lovely Victoria (Patrice Camhi) who now runs the local tavern. The town is controlled by a vicious "Alcade" (Michael Tylo) who taxes the poor ranchers and tax people and is brutal to them.

Zorro is being chased by the soldiers when he falls over a cliff and his horse goes back to the ranch to fetch Felipe (Juan Botta, the young deaf mute. As he lay there he takes us back through his memories of his life as Zorro.

We learn how and why Don Diego creates his Zorro identity and watch as he saves the townspeople from the cruel Alcade.

This is not a cheesy production. The costumes are well done as are the sets, including a glorious clipper ship that is real and takes Don Diego on his journey to learn how to be an expert swordsman.

I'm hoping there are many more of these productions that I just haven't found yet. The second flim in this series (that I will review also) is entitled: Zorro: A Conspiracy of Blood. Apparently these movies were created for television. They are all in color and about 100 minutes long (1 hour 40 minutes).

The Omega Code (1999)

You can pass this one by ...

[4/10 · 3 March 2001]

Casper Van Dien plays the lead in this movie. The plot was sort of interesting: the hidden information in the bible about the future and the foretelling of events that lead to the end of the world. I figured they would do a good job with Casper in the lead.

Let me say this up front: I have a lot of problems believing in Casper's acting abilities. He is a very small man in size and when a lead actor is small (Alan Ladd was small in stature) they always surround them with short actors. In this case Casper was surrounded with Michael York and Catherine Oxenberg (remember her from Dynasty?). I actually saw Casper in person one time and was totally shocked at what a little tiny guy he is. Very well portioned, even somewhat muscular, nice face and he does photograph well on the big screen but he is not one of our more intelligent actors and often isn't too convincing. Knowing he is just a short little guy can crack me up at times when he is being "Mr. Forceful" or "Mr. Lover" on the screen. Honestly, I have nothing against short people but I do have a problem with short people who act like they are "big" people. If I had never seen Casper in person his height would probably never be an issue with me. If the guy was six feet he would truly be an amazing hunk.

Ok. So the plot is somewhat interesting and the effects are digital. Michael York is a religious freak and Casper plays one of those guys who make millions off of "let me build your confidence" seminars. Much of the action takes place in Israel and there are lots of Hasidic Jewish guys with the braids and little skull caps. I got up to feed the cats during a lull in the action and when I do stuff like that it means I've lost interest in the movie. I came back and never did get back into the plot until near the end when York believes he is the new God and Casper finds the secret to the bible. There are these two mysterious guys in the picture who save Casper's butt several times. I think they are Angels of some kind but can't be sure.

Anyway, I wouldn't rent this film again for the life of me and I don't recommend it to others. No sex scenes, you don't see Casper without a shirt or naked (which would have raised by "4" rating to a "5").

A Dog of Flanders (1999)

A Tear Jerker For Me

[9/10 · 3 March 2001]

I don't know why they named this "A Dog Of Flanders" because the dog doesn't really have the lead in this movie. I think they used it to make people think it was a "Lassie Come Home" kind of movie. Yes, the dog is 'whipped' by a cruel master in the beginning and he does stay by the side of the little boy throughout the story but he doesn't do anything so outstanding that the movie should be named around his character. SPOILERS Be that as it may - I cried with this film and really didn't want to rent it because all animal/child stories can make me cry. I hate to see any animal or child mistreated and I figured that might happen. The little boy is orphaned by his dying mother and raised by his Grandfather in a poverty shack with a landlord who is your typical Simon Legree. The dead mother was a talented artist and the boy inherits the gift. He works to become a famous artist and falls under the wing of a rich art/patron/teacher who keeps running off to Rome. There are false accusations against the boy over the burning of a barn, the landlord tosses him out of the shack after his Grandpa dies, the dog does cause the accidental death of his original cruel master when the cruel master tries to take him away from the boy. The end is sort of hokey but caught me off guard because I really thought the kid died. By the end of the film I was crying like a baby and applauding the movie itself. I recommend it if you're in the mood for a good 'break my heart' movie.

Resurrection (1999)

Rent This! It's Good!

[9/10 · 3 March 2001]

Boy, this one caught me off guard. Good gory mystery. I remembered Christopher Lambert, the lead detective, from a "Tarzan" movie and the fact that it concerned a serial killer conned me into renting it. Usually these movies have a bunch of filler gratuitous love scenes that lose my interest and I walk off to the kitchen but this movie kept me before the screen 95% of the time. Just one short husband/wife/love type scene that wasn't too hokey. The Detective and his wife have problems because they both watched their little boy ride his bicycle into traffic and die. Sad scene because the Detective falls just a few inches short of stopping the child's tricycle. Spoilers The movie starts off with a brutal killing centered around a guy who has his arm cut off while he is still alive and bleeds to death. I think he is dead four days when they first find him. Then another murder and another arm. Another murder and this time a head. Another and the killer gets one leg but at that murder the Detective and his partner almost catch him. There the killer gets away and while the Detective's partner takes a different route around the building he is attacked in an alley by the killer. Squad cars surround the place and everyone has gun's drawn. Out of an alley comes what appears to be the killer pointing a gun but the Detective realizes it is his partner. He screams at the other cops not to shoot but of course, some finger happy copy pointing a major shotgun, nails the guy in the leg nearly killing him. You could just slap stupid cops like that. The partner ends up having his leg amputated which is, of course, stolen from the hospital by the serial killer who then taunts the detective via voicemail message.

It just goes on like this the whole time. At one point the Detective's wife is targeted by the killer and when they get to the house a women is found dead, blood everywhere, and it turns out not to be his wife (now we know why they had the difficult love scene). The killer turns out to be a whiny little ***hole and you'll recognize him from other films when he is revealed. They don't wait until the end of the film to reveal him either and the final scenes had me screaming at the screen for the detective to "shoot him dammit it, shoot!" but he actually drops the gun to save a baby. The serial killer needs a beating heart to complete his murder plan (he is assembling the body of Christ with other people's body parts) which is supposed to be completed by Easter morning so he goes to a hospital and steals a newborn. Nearly breaks your heart to see this killer cornered and dangling that baby off the roof. The final scenes are terrific and you cheer with the best of them as the killer gets his come-uppence. Christopher Lambert is older in this film, chunkier and must be a French actor because he has a French accent (probably why they stuck the movie in Louisiana).

It's a good movie. If you're looking for a nice evening movie to raise your blood pressure and keep you riveted to the screen this one will do that. Lots of action and fast paced. Gory too.

For Pete's Sake (1974)

I give it a 'thumbs up'

[10 March 2000]

Barbra was 31 when she made this film. Her hair (a poor short-haired wig) was done by her then boyfriend,

Jon Peters, and her outfits remind me of her "stoney end" phase (remember that?). This movie was released in 1974. Her co-star is 'ok' but he's no Brad Pitt. He does have one sexy bathtub scene. If you look quickly when he pulls Babs into the tub you'll see he is wearing a pair of white bikini briefs (poor editing, they should have cut that).

Now a little outdated (I'm writing this in the year 2000) the film is funny overall with some greater funny moments.

Barbra shows a real flair for comedy. I wish she had done more character acting in other films because in this one she dons a blond curly wig, big yellow hat and oval sunglasses then screams and runs like a little girl. She literally had me laughing uncontrollably several times.

The plot is sort of hokey: her husband's brother and pompous wife insinuate Babs (Henry) conned her husband into an early marriage which robbed him of a good college education and a decent job (he's a taxi driver). They get an inside stock tip on 'pork bellies' and she borrows $3,000 from the mob. The tip doesn't pay off at first and her contract is sold to more and more crooks - and with each sale she screws up her assignments. She goes to work for a little old lady (Mrs. Cherry) who sends men clients to her apartment and Babs accidently breaks the nose of her first client then nearly kills the second, a judge who is taxi'd to the N.Y. apt by her husband. This second client is hidden in a trunk and revived in the back of a flower delivery truck then placed back in the taxi when Henry's husband isn't looking.

The whole movie goes on like this - and she ends up in several funny situations, even unwittingly carrys a bomb (the wig, hat and glasses). She turns the package over to an undercover cop and is promptly arrested but runs away screaming through Central Park claiming he is a pervert (the cop is dressed in identical women's clothing)

Eventually her contract is sold to a cattle rustler who fills up a motor-home with stolen cattle for delivery in downtown N.Y. She has an accident and the one lone bull and all the cows get lose running through New York streets and into shops. By the end of the picture the stock tip pays off and they end up rich and happy.

If you like Barbra you'll like this movie. I say 'thumbs up'!