Dave-430 Reviews

Hercules in New York (1970)

The horror...

[1/10 · 19 February 2006]

This is one of the worst movies of all time. The four-hundred-and-something witless souls who awarded this a 10 should be permanently banned from voting.

Forget that it was made on a shoe-string budget, and that at one point Arnold fights the worst bear costume in movie history; forget that he takes his shirt off in every other scene, often with zero motivation; forget that the Mount Olympus scenes are obviously shot in New York; forget even that the acting is of such monumental ineptitude that James Karen (one of the worst actors in "Return of the Living Dead") is far and away the finest thespian in sight. The fact that anybody invested as much as a nickel in a script that one monkey working for one hour could easily have done better is what really blows my mind. The premise is painfully stupid, and the execution of it is as heavy-handed and amateurish as anything you're likely to see. Most porn movies are produced with more consideration for plot.

I recommend "Hercules in New York" to anyone who likes to go to the dentist or enjoys a hard punch in the nose. This is an hour and a half of pure agony.

Villa paranoia (2004)

Yet another sadly overrated Danish movie

[2/10 · 13 October 2004]

As a Dane I'm proud of the handful of good Danish movies that have been produced in recent years. It's a terrible shame, however, that this surge in quality has led the majority of Danish movie critics to lose their sense of criticism. In fact, it has become so bad that I no longer trust any reviews of Danish movies, and as a result I have stopped watching them in theaters.

I know it's wrong to hold this unfortunate development against any one movie, so let me stress that "Villa Paranoia" would be a terrible film under any circumstances. The fact that it was hyped by the critics just added fuel to my bonfire of disillusionment with Danish film. Furthermore, waiting until it came out on DVD was very little help against the unshakable feeling of having wasted time and money.

Erik Clausen is an accomplished director with a knack for social realism in Copenhagen settings. I particularly enjoyed "De Frigjorte" (1993). As an actor he is usually funny, though he generally plays the same role in all of his movies, namely that of a working-class slob who's down on his luck, partly because he's a slob but mostly because of society, and who redeems himself by doing something good for his community.

This is problem number one in "Villa Paranoia"; Clausen casts himself as a chicken farmer, which is such a break from the norm that he never succeeds in making it credible.

It is much worse, however, that the film has to make twists and turns and break all rules of how to tell a story to make the audience understand what is going on. For instance, the movie opens with a very sad attempt at visualizing the near-death experience of the main character with the use of low-budget effects and bad camera work. After that, the character tells her best friend that she suddenly felt the urge to throw herself off a bridge. This is symptomatic of the whole movie; there is little or no motivation for the actions of the characters, and Clausen resorts to the lowest form of communicating whatever motivation there is: Telling instead of showing. Thus, at one point, you have a character talking out loud to a purportedly catatonic person about the way he feels, because the script wouldn't allow him to act out his feelings; and later on, voice-over is abruptly introduced, quite possibly as an afterthought, to convey feelings that would otherwise remain unknown to the audience due to the director's ineptitude. Fortunately, at this point you're roughly an hour past caring about any of the characters, let alone the so-called story.

The acting, which has frequently been a problem in Clausen's movies, can be summed up in one sad statement: Søren Westerberg Bentsen, whose only other claim to stardom was as a contestant on Big Brother, is no worse than several of the heralded actors in the cast.

I give this a 2-out-of-10 rating.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Terrible movie!

[2/10 · 7 December 2003]

This is quite possibly the worst movie of 2003. The acting is bad, and the story is exorbitantly dumb. It is sad to see Oscar nominee Michael J. Pollard's career come to this nadir. The visual effects are pretty good, but it does not make this turkey bearable. I give it 2 out of 10.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

Somewhat disappointing

[7/10 · 14 October 2003]

Granted, it is hard to follow as auspicious a beginning as this movie has, opening as it does with a Klingon proverb, but I generally expected more from Tarantino. His trade mark quirky characters, dialogue and scenes are almost absent from this movie, and all we are left with is an above average turbo Hong Kong flick. Don't get me wrong, I dig a super violent no-brainer as much as the next guy, but there are a lot of guys out there who can do that with this kind of budget, and after a six-year hiatus from Tarantino, this is a disappointment. I give it a 7 out of 10.

Poolhall Junkies (2002)

Worthless

[3/10 · 29 September 2003]

It is difficult to say what Gregory 'Mars' Martin does worst - writing, directing or acting - but that somebody would pay him to do all three is incomprehensible to me. The script is riddled with unconvincing characters, weak motivation, bad dialogue and clichés; with the exception of Christopher Walken, the acting is poor, and when you see thespians like Rod Steiger and Chazz Palminteri act badly, you know the director is inept; and Martin, in the lead role, probably does the worst job of the entire cast. His hardass act is completely unconvincing; his Ben Affleck impersonation is a little better but ultimately redundant, since there's already one Ben Affleck in Hollywood, and he's not that interesting an actor at that. I give this a three out of ten and say a silent prayer that I will never see Christopher Walken in a piece of crap like this again.

Chicago (2002)

Not entirely as annoying as I had expected

[4/10 · 8 September 2003]

I recognize the fact that this is a very well-crafted movie. Great choreography and set design, however, leave me fairly cold when there isn't much else to rejoice about. Richard Gere is, well, Richard Gere; his acting ability is still limited to two facial expressions: the smug smile and the intrigued look with an air of superiority. Moreover, I wasn't all that impressed with his singing voice. I must say that I was expecting something more annoying, and John C. Reilly does go along way toward making the movie watchable. Still, at the end of the day it is a musical - and musicals are inherently stupid.

It's All About Love (2003)

An extremely sorry successor to The Celebration

[2/10 · 3 July 2003]

Not since Steven Spielberg went from Saving Private Ryan to A.I. (or, possibly, since he went from Schindler's List to The Lost World) has there been a quality gap like the one between Thomas Vinterberg's last work, The Celebration, and this miserable excuse for a movie. Senseless and boring, it is not saved by the beautiful cinematography, and the heavy-handed sermon about the lack of love in the world is laughable. How a script so profoundly stupid could ever end up on celluloid will remain one of life's major conundrums. In order to retain my respect for excellent thespians Sean Penn, Joaquin Phoenix and Claire Danes I have to believe that they signed the contracts at gun point.

Caddyshack (1980)

One of the most overrated comedies of all time

[3/10 · 7 January 2003]

It is not just that there is no story in this film - lots of comedies have done fine without that - but there are very few real laughs. I think it is incredible that such a meager script could end up getting made. In the 21st century, a film like Caddyshack - or even a comedy a level or two above it - would be painfully dull. The really amazing thing is that two of the finest comedic actors of the time, i.e. Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, fail to save the day. Chevy Chase, however, is a redeeming feature, whereas Rodney Dangerfield is even cornier than usual. I rate it a 3 out of 10.

Sidewalks of New York (2001)

Not one of Burns's best

[6/10 · 15 October 2002]

Edward Burns does Edward Burns so well, he should not try doing Woody Allen. This ranks with No Looking Back as Burns's least watchable films. Still, it is worth seeing. I would like to see him returning to the "brother theme" that made his two first films more sophisticated and more funny than the two that followed. Bring Mike McGlone back too. I give it a 6 out of 10.

Murder by Numbers (2002)

Doesn't live up to its premise

[6/10 · 6 September 2002]

Murder By Numbers starts out as an intriguing thriller, but ends up as a mainstream action flick. It's a pity because the premise is really, interesting and the cast is good. Particularly the young actors (Gosling, Pitt and Bruckner) are impressive. The problem is that there is too much focus on Sandra Bullock's character. Her silly background story mirrors the case that makes up the main plot of the movie... And so what? Time and resources would have been better spent, exploring Gosling and Pitt's character's, their background and motives. The ending is almost a joke: All of a sudden the ultra smart and perceptive Bullock starts to make all sorts of really stupid mistakes. Furthermore, the makers couldn't resist giving the story a final plot twist. Still, for a good premise and great acting performances, I give it a 6 out of 10.

The English Patient (1996)

Beautiful cinematography in above average love story.

[8/10 · 1 April 2002]

It took me almost six years to work up the patience to watch this two-and-half hour Oscar winner. I was deeply suspicious of it, and only watched it because, as a self-proclaimed movie connoisseur, I felt compelled; besides, it was on TV. I have to say that the grandeur of John Seale's Oscar winning pictures were breathtaking from beginning to end. The story is well told although there are a few unlikely events. Ralph Fiennes' character being arrogant and pompous, it seems a bit improbable that Kristin Scott Thomas' character should fall for him so quickly. She, however, is to die for. I rate it an 8 out of 10.

Tomcats (2001)

I'd rather have a testicle removed than see this one again.

[2/10 · 11 March 2002]

What can you say about a movie whose funniest episode sees a fat man wrestling a garden hose? The acting, particularly that of lead man Jerry O'Connel, is embarrassing. The dialogue is so contrived and unfunny it makes you cringe. The controlling idea is actually not a bad one for this genre (infantile teen comedy), but, somehow, the director manages to make the least of it. I rate it a 2 out of 10.

Collision Course (1989)

Jay Leno Can't act

[2/10 · 21 November 2001]

This is a really stupid movie in that typical 80s genre: action comedy. Conceptwise it resembles Rush Hour but completely lacks the action, the laughs and the chemistry between the main characters of that movie. Let it be known that I enjoy Jay Leno as a stand-up and as a talk show host, but he just cannot act. He is awful when he tries to act tough - he barely manages to keep that trademark smirk off his face while saying his one-liners which, by the way, aren't very funny. And seeing him run (even back then) is not a pleasant sight. In addition, I have a feeling that Pat Morita - at least by today's standards - doesn't give a very politically correct impression of the Japanese. Don't even get me started about the story. I give it a 2 out of 10.

Rambo III (1988)

Very poor!

[3/10 · 16 November 2001]

As a character John Rambo was never 100% credible in the first place, but in this movie he has gone completely overboard and become a caricature of himself. The same can be said of Colonel Trautman; Richard Crenna is only the tiniest fraction more realistic than when he parodied his own part in "Hot Shots! Part Deux", and if you're in the mood it's just as funny. On top of it all it's loaded with lame propaganda, and in light of the events of September 11, 2001 the dedication to "the galant people of Afghanistan" is a bit outdated. 3 out 10.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Stevo, you've let me down!

[2/10 · 21 October 2001]

I went into the theater with a serious hangover and the less than impressive reviews in mind. Still my trust in Steven Spielberg (I chose to write off The Lost World as a slip) prompted me to expect solid entertainment if nothing more. In fact my attitude was so positive that it took more than half of this overlong film for me to realize that I'd been had. It was about that time that my companions wanted to leave the building, but I was foolish enough to want to see how it all turned out. Let me make one thing clear: A.I. does not explain the things you don't understand - it just throws in some more inexplicable elements. It goes on like this throughout, culminating with one of the silliest and unsatisfying endings in movie history. I am not exaggerating when I say that this one is in serious competition with The Lost World and Battlefield Earth for the prize of worst big time Hollywood production in recent history. What can you say about a movie whose most convincing character is a talking teddy bear? The only thing that keeps me from giving A.I. a 1 is the stunning fx - they really are incredible.

Who would have thought that Steven Spielberg could be responsible for two of the three dumbest movies ever. I still regard him as one of the greats, and I look forward to Minority Report with Tom Cruise; my only hope is that it won't turn out to be as foolish as sitting through all of A.I.

Free Enterprise (1998)

Funny but not a landmark.

[7/10 · 23 July 2001]

This is the kind of movie that I really enjoy. It's packed with funny lines and references to all kinds of nerdy films and series. If it weren't for the good acting, particularly from Eric McCormack and Patrick Van Horn, it wouldn't have worked; and it does sort of fizzle out in the end. Still, what a joy to see Bill Shatner parody himself. I give it 7 out of 10.

Sherlock: Undercover Dog (1994)

Reaches my all-time bottom 3!

[1/10 · 11 June 2001]

This pathetic movie about a talking detective dog shows nothing but contempt of people in general and children in particular. The so-called special effects are mind-blowingly awful as is the whole tone of the film. Along with Forest Warrior with Chuck Norris and Il Professore with Bud Spencer this is the worst film I've ever had the misfortune to see. I give it a dead certain 1 out of 10.

Whipped (2000)

Awful!

[3/10 · 1 June 2001]

What this movie lacks in story, acting and professionalism, it does not make up for in any way. A few of the mostly infantile jokes made me laugh, but generally it is a sad attempt at being funny, and plot twist has to be counted among the lamest in movie history.

No Looking Back (1998)

Not as good as his two first but not as bad as they say.

[6/10 · 27 March 2001]

My biggest grievance with No Looking Back is that it doesn't have a character like the ones Mike McClone played in The Brothers McMullen and She's the One. He had a great chemistry with Ed Burns who just isn't as funny without him. Having said that, No Looking Back is a nice little slice-of-life thing. It won't change your perception of life or anything else except perhaps Lauren Holly who is quite adorable. I give it a 6 out of 10.

Time Out (1988)

Forgettable

[4/10 · 26 February 2001]

I found it a bit strange that no one in Denmark knows this movie. That Allan Olsen acts alongside Patricia Arquette is hard to grasp considering the way their careers have diverged since (one is a big Hollywood star while the other isn't even a household name in native Denmark). But then the film is truly forgettable. Besides Vincent Schiavelli, who is always good, Patricia Arquette's pretty young face and the nice photography work are the only redeeming features of a film whose story is far fetched and boring.

The Verdict (1982)

Newman brilliant as always

[7/10 · 20 November 2000]

A good cast with Newman standing out as a washed up lawyer almost makes up for the story flaws. Why does an idealistic doctor, who is actually the one to persuade Newman's character to take the case to court, suddenly take a bribe and disappear to the Caribbean never to be heard from again? Why doesn't Newman cross examine his own witness in the final court scene? And why don't we get to hear James Mason's closing? These and other mistakes are annoying and, one would think, unnecessary. Despite it all this is still a better than average movie. I give it good solid 7.

Age-Old Friends (1989 TV Movie)

Veteran actors at the top of their game.

[9/10 · 14 November 2000]

Hume Cronyn and Vincent Gardenia pull off brilliant acting performances in this little great movie. The dialogue is excellent and the chemistry between the main characters is rare. It was my first encounter with Cronyn, and I've been a fan ever since. "Hello another drop of Whiskey!"

Gladiator (2000)

Overrated.

[6/10 · 13 November 2000]

Impressive battle scenes don't quite make up for the lame story in this blockbuster. It is impossible to find one believable character among the lot. Connie Nielsen, however, is very easy on the eyes. It's a pity to see a great cast like that struggle to find a shred of personality in their characters to work with.

Medea (1988 TV Movie)

Definitely not Von Trier's best work.

[4/10 · 13 November 2000]

Although Medea does hint at Lars Von Trier's vast talent, it is no masterpiece as some have suggested. It is beautifully filmed but that does not make up for a very slow-paced story. Also, for me personally, it was hard to accept the fact that ancient Greece bears such a striking resemblance to Western Denmark. And why on earth does the king live in a sewer? It has to be said, though, that Ludmilla Glinska is adorable as Glauce.

Midnight Caller (1988–1991)

Not a great show, but quite entertaining

[2 June 2000]

What can I say: This was Gary Cole's shot at greatness. The show is so full of clichés that it's funny to watch. Was there ever a more just and understanding man than ex-cop Jack Killian? The only contender I can think of is Furillo from Hill Street Blues. Often gets too politically correct but I must say that I have watched it many a time and the opening theme is worth it all. Very '80s.